First Case Worker Phone Call

     We had our first phone call with our caseworker this morning. The way that the agency we have matched through works is that we as the PAPs have a caseworker that is separate from Anne's caseworker. I talked to Anne's caseworker the day that we found out that we matched (she is the one who called me), and I have been emailing with her back and forth. So, today was the first real conversation we had with our caseworker. The phone call ended up being just over an hour, and focused on 4 main topics.

Prayer Requests

       I know that several of our friends and family members have been keeping up with our adoption journey through this blog, and many have made the comment "We're praying for you." With that in mind, I wanted to share some of the specific prayer requests that we have both for Anne and baby girl. We so appreciate everyone's prayers, and know that God's hand has been in every step of this process.

WE MATCHED!

I write this post with a happy heart... we found out this afternoon that we matched! Here is a recap of what has been going on this past week and the timeline of our match:

An update lacking in updates

       The past couple of months have been very quiet in terms of our adoption journey. We have submitted three applications (but one didn't end up being seen, more on that later), but haven't matched. We are just patiently waiting to see how things will end up! The reason we have only submitted three applications is that we have run into a big challenge with the cases we have been made aware of through the agencies and lawyers who we are working with: we have a biological child, and the expectant mom is wanting a childless family. Well over half of the cases that we would have had the opportunity to submit for (I would probably estimate about 75%) desire a childless couple, or a couple whose other children were adopted. Here is a summary of our experiences with the three situations.

Research: Decision making styles that could lead to a disrupted match

(I just found this in my draft folder-- not sure why it never published!)       
   One of the things that we really admire about our agency is that they will not match until halfway through the second trimester (or, more preferably, not until the third trimester) to make sure that the Emom has really had time to process her decision and is certain (as much as is possible to be certain) that she is comfortable with the plan she is making. Today, I received an email from an adoption listserve about a lawyer trying to find a match for a young woman who is due early March. This is the first week of July. It would be physically impossible for her to have known about her pregnancy for more than a few days. It took me awhile to put my finger on why this made me so deeply uncomfortable, but then it hit me. My research (including my dissertation) focuses largely on the decision to abort when faced with an unintended pregnancy. One of the areas that I have paid specific attention to is the women who come to regret this decision. An article that I have referenced frequently in both my writings and my lectures is one that I will admit is quite dated (nearly 30 years old), but has valuable information about the features of decision making that lead to abortion regret. After going back over this, I realized that many of the situations that I have looked at and said "I'm not comfortable with that" have features that are mentioned in this article. Now, of course the decision to abort and the decision to place for adoption are completely separate. But, wouldn't it make sense that the same type of decision making that could lead to someone regretting an abortion could also lead to someone changing their mind about the decision to place for adoption (or, worse, regret the adoption)? With that in mind, I am going to review the 4 decision making styles that can lead to regret.

Methods of matching (and allowing for "It just doesn't feel right")

       Something interesting happened this week involving an adoption situation that, on paper, seemed like it would be a good match for us (and us for them). I excitedly told my husband about the email, and we decided to take the morning to think about it and discuss it in a couple of hours. His response wasn't at all what I was expecting: "Something about this just doesn't feel right." That is the type of thing that I would say-- that intangible "I just have a feeling" thing is my line, not my logical, objective, "let's stick with facts" husband's.  With this being such a huge, life changing decision, I respected his discomfort and that was that. Later that day we had a longer conversation, and he was able to put his finger on a couple of the things about the situation that were leading to his discomfort. He had picked up on something that made him question the bioparents' actual desire to place in the interest of the themselves and the child versus feeling like they had to, and had a strong conviction that they would either change their minds or intensely regret their decision. (Update: That was a good call on his part, as we learned last week they did end up changing their minds)
        But, it did get me thinking about one of the ways that we chose our agency: how do they go about matching? There are four primary methods that agencies/lawyers/facilitators will use to match. Two of those methods allow for you to take the liberty to say "It just doesn't feel right, I think I will pass," and the other two do not.

Birthmother expenses state by state

      As a follow up my post earlier this week about choosing an ethical agency, I am going to write about another issue that I have been researching: Is it unethical to pay birthmother expenses*? Obviously we will assume the responsibility of medical bills that aren't covered by her insurance or medicaid, but what about those who are asking for help with living expenses such as rent, phone bills, groceries, maternity clothing, or gas money? What about those who are asking for a specific amount of money without giving specifics about what that money is needed for? Is that getting too close to baby buying? Is it coercive because now she feels indebted to the PAPs?