tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52582624857605428802024-03-24T16:31:41.593-07:00When the Stork Gets Confused: What to Expect when You're AdoptingOur experience with domestic adoption from the very beginning, as we are living itJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-38327787607965620192017-04-19T20:00:00.002-07:002017-04-19T20:00:39.728-07:00Random updates-- 1 year later Like many adoption bloggers, once our adoption was finalized, I kind of disappeared. I'm sorry about that for those of you who have been checking back for updates, but honestly, there hasn't been anything to update about. Roo is happy and healthy, which we thank God for every day. I'm sure that those of you who clicked on an update link are curious about one big question: "what our open adoption (more specifically, our relationship with Anne and Ben) look like one year later?" Well, it doesn't.<br />
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<a name='more'></a> I'll back up a bit. For the first 4 months or so following the adoption, Anne and I had pretty regular contact. We would text back and forth, and she called me on the phone a couple of times. Usually, the texts were me updating her about one of Roo's doctor visits, or her texting me to ask me for some photos and videos (which I had told her that she was welcome to do whenever she wanted). We were, of course, mailing our official, formal updates and photos every 3 months for the first year, and now we will mail updates once every 6 months until she is 3, and then once a year. The week of Easter 2016, we talked on the phone and she told me about some of the difficult things she was going through and her plans to really start making an effort to get her life in a better place and work on taking care of herself. I can't remember if I've ever said this before, but she truly has a difficult life that doesn't include many people who genuinely love her, even within her own family. I know I am speaking in such vague terms and generalities, but I still wish to protect her privacy. Anyway, that Easter, I sent her a text to tell her that I was thinking about her and that I hoped she had a nice holiday weekend. And that was the last time I have heard from her.<br />
That summer, I heard from our caseworker with an update. She did, in fact, start making an effort to get her life on a better track, move forward, and overcome some of the struggles that had been continually getting in her way for the past couple of years. Part of that process for her was realizing that staying in touch with us was not what was best for her in trying to move forward in her life. She wanted us to be assured that she loved us and had nothing but positive things to say about us, but that this was what she needed to do. We will still be mailing our official updates that go through the agency, but we aren't expecting any further personal contact. We have made it known to her (both through what we have said in our update letters and what we have asked the agency to communicate) that if she ever wishes to resume direct contact we would welcome that, but at the same time, we understand that she needs to find a way to get herself to a healthy place and truly wish her the best.<br />
So, that's where we are. We have never heard from Ben, but from what I understand, they have continued their on-again-off-again relationship. I don't have any statistics to back this up at the moment, but it is my understanding that this type of situation is pretty common in the open adoption world. It is a weird mix of emotions, but I can honestly say that I have peace about where things are. We have enough information that I know I will be able to track them down years in the future when/if Roo desires that we do so. We also have enough information to be able to tell Roo her story and answer most any question I can imagine her asking. We know that we did everything on our end that we had promised to do in maintaining an open and positive relationship with Anne, and will continue to do so. Anne made this decision while Roo was still too young to understand anything, so we didn't have a scenario where contact with her was a regular part of our lives for several years and then stopped when Roo was old enough to realize what was going on (I have known of open adoption situations where this has been the case). Anne is working on making her life better. And, most importantly, Roo is loved, healthy, and happy.<br />
I can't promise how often I will update from here. I may continue to post research as I come across relevant articles, but our lives have been so incredibly busy. My husband is changing jobs, we are in the process of a cross country move, and things are just all around crazy-- but in a good way! We know that we won't adopt again, so I won't have a second adoption journey to share. There are a few more details I would like to share about the realities of living in a family unit put together by adoption (mainly stories that go back towards everyone wanting to ask all the questions all the time) that I'll try to find time to write in the near future. Until then, I continue to wish you all the best as you go through your adoption journeys!<br />
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-76940475590814858832016-06-17T19:30:00.001-07:002016-06-17T19:34:01.290-07:00"Are you glad you don't have to be pregnant again?" I started this post in October. For two months, it underwent various edits in my draft folder, never feeling quite right or quite finished. After we brought Roo home, it became irrelevant. I stumbled upon it today and almost deleted it, never having figured out a way to express myself in a way that I was happy with. But instead, I decided that it needed posted. I know if I felt this way, perhaps others have, too. Maybe for some it is "Are you glad you don't have to go through fertility treatment any more?" with all of the sickness and pain that it can cause. Maybe for others on this journey, you won't have any idea what I am talking about and this post will make me seem either crazy or horribly selfish. I'm not very good at being transparent, so pressing the "publish" button on this one is proving itself to be remarkably difficult for me.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"> Yesterday, one of my very best friends asked me what has to be the most honest question I've gotten during our adoption process: </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #444444;"> <i>"Are you glad you don't have to be pregnant again?"</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #444444;"> If you have read <a href="http://whenthestorkgetsconfused.blogspot.com/p/our-story.html" target="_blank">our story</a>, you will know where this question came from. I was miserable during my pregnancy-- I had day after day of unrelenting sickness, and one complication after another that culminated in a syndrome that could have easily claimed both my life and my child's. Don't get me wrong, I was overjoyed to be pregnant, having accepted that it may never happen. I loved feeling my baby kick and squirm inside of me, loved hearing his heartbeat and watching him somersault around during my ultrasounds. But, throughout my entire pregnancy, I kept asking myself how I was ever going to find the strength to do this again (I also asked this question out loud to my husband from a ball on the bathroom floor several times). Then that problem was solved for me: I was told that there was a good chance I wouldn't survive another pregnancy after the damage done by the complications of my first. I would likely have the same complications, culminating in the same life-threatening syndrome, and there would be a big risk that my body wouldn't be strong enough to handle it a second time. My body simply couldn't deal with being pregnant.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #444444;"> My friend had heard me express concern during my first pregnancy that, despite my desire to have a large family, I didn't know if I ever wanted to endure another pregnancy, another 40 weeks of constant sickness (of course I didn't know that it would only go on for 33 weeks at that time). So, naturally, she was curious if having a child through adoption felt like a relief in some ways.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #444444;"> "Are you glad you don't have to be pregnant again?" </span></i></div>
<span style="color: #444444;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"> In many ways, yes, I am. There is a huge part of me that is thankful that I will be able to have another child without another pregnancy. That being said, some days are hard. I am surrounded by pregnant women-- I have several friends and family members who are pregnant. Facebook posts about feeling the baby kick, seeing ultrasounds, and taking maternity pictures can cause moments of sadness. I'm at a point right now where I'm allowing myself to feel that emotion, reminding myself that it is okay to to accept that sometimes it hurts a little bit. Some days, expressing pure excitement and happiness for my friends who are pregnant feels fake. And, to be honest, on some days it is. Not fake in the sense that I am not happy for them, because I truly am. With all my heart I am. What I feel for them is not a fabricated emotion. But, fake in the sense that sometimes that is not the emotion that is at the surface. Sometimes, my happiness for them is under a blanket of my selfish longing that our story could be different. Sometimes, the happiness isn't at the surface just waiting to come out-- it must be coaxed, must be dug out. And sometimes, the energy to do that coaxing and digging is in short supply. At those times, the times that I always reflect on with both guilt and confusion, it is easier to fake the happiness, knowing that it really is in there and will show up to step into its proper place at some point, tardy as it may be.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"> This combination of guilt and confusion has been both the easiest and most difficult emotion for me to wrap my head around throughout this strange, wonderful process that is adoption. The guilt is obvious: these are women I love, I should feel happy for them, at all points, in everything, period. The fact that sometimes that happiness can feel lost seems so selfish to me. But like I said, I'm working on allowing myself to hurt a little bit, and to know that some residual sadness is normal and okay. The confusion relates to why these feelings are so dependent on the conversations being had by other people. The vast majority of the time, I can honestly say that I have coped with our situation and am at peace. Having another biological child was not God's plan for us, and He protected both my son and I during my "ordeal." I am excited about adopting, excited that our family will have such an amazing, unique story of God knitting us together. When I think about our adoption, the prevailing thought honestly and truly is not "I wish things could be different." And, getting back to the opening idea of this post, most thoughts about having a child through adoption lead me down a rabbit trail that at some point gets to "I'm so glad I don't have to go through pregnancy again." It is only during the exciting pregnancy moments that my friends are experiencing that I feel anything even tangentially related to self-pity, sorrow, sadness, or hurt. I was having an exciting pregnancy moment with a friend the other day, and was in the middle of the "fake happy until the real happy decides to show up here any minute" thing, and actually found myself saying to myself "Why am I feeling sad about this-- I don't even <i>want </i>to be pregnant again?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #444444;">"Are you glad you don't have to be pregnant again?"</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #444444;"> I realized months ago that I truly don't want to be pregnant again. I had to go for a follow-up visit to the specialist who saw me after my pregnancy, the one who told me to never get pregnant again unless I was prepared to gamble my life. At this time, we had our homestudy approved and had already applied for one situation and were strongly considering a couple others. On the day before my appointment, I asked myself a question: What if I go in there and he says that there had been a mistake-- that he had studied my charts and labs in more detail, and I probably would be okay if I wanted to try to have another baby? Would I want to forget the adoption and just try to get pregnant again? I realized that the answer was "no." Adopting feels right, feels like what we have always been meant to do. In contrast, the thought of being pregnant again feels strange and out of place at this point. I reminded myself of that thought the other day when I was trying to find the buried happiness for my friend, happiness that was being particularly stubborn about leaving its hiding place: "If God pressed paused right now and gave me the option of being in her position, would I want to be?" Again, the answer was a resounding "no." And it was at that point that I realized something.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #444444;">"Are you glad you don't have to be pregnant again?"</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #444444;"> Yes. But, there is a part of me that feels cheated that the decision was not ours to make. So, when those moments arise that I have a hard time bringing the happiness that I have for my friends to the surface, it isn't out of jealousy. It isn't that I would give anything to be in their shoes, that more than anything else I long to carry a child again, that I resent them for having what I can't, or that I am not truly happy for the joy they are experiencing. It is that I, in my moments of control-freak weakness, feel like one of the most important decisions of my life was taken from me. I love this unique journey that the Lord has entrusted us with, the freedom from the sickness and pain that accompanied carrying my child inside of me, and the little ones that my friends will be adding to this earth soon. I can honestly, without reservation, say that I am happy we are adopting and that I have accepted that I will not give birth to any of our future children. But sometimes, in moments of being surrounded by embodiments of all of my different "what ifs," the reminders of the loss that put us on this path find their intensity. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-85493212321280904962016-05-11T11:48:00.003-07:002016-05-11T11:49:16.086-07:00Adoption Fundraising Idea: T-shirt Sales We all know adoption is expensive (unless you do the foster-to-adopt route). Many of the organizations that offer grants want to see that you have done some fundraising on your part. This post is going to discuss a great new t-shirt fundraising site called <a href="http://www.modfund.com/" target="_blank">Modfund</a> (they give more per shirt to your fund than many other t-shirt fundraisers), show an example of an adopting family who has an active Modfund campaign, and invite you to share links to any fundraising campaign that you might have so that we can all help each other out!<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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We know that everyone loves a good t-shirt... that's why t-shirt fundraisers are so great. The problem with many t-shirt fundraising sites are that YOU need an element of creativity: you are in charge of designing your shirt. If you are a creative person, this is not a problem. But for many of us, coming up with a design that people will actually pay money for and want to wear can be a major hurdle. This is why <a href="http://www.modfund.com/" target="_blank">ModFund</a> is genius (no, I don't have any personal ties to them and am not being paid to promote them). You tell them about your cause (in this case, your adoption) and why you are trying to raise support and funds, and THEY will design your shirt! They will be in charge of design, inventory, shipping, everything. You just have to promote your shirt using a link they will send you. At the end of the selling period, they email you a check for 50% of all profits. And, by the way 50% is pretty generous. I've seen several campaign sites that sell shirts for $20 and give $3 to the cause fund, or that want you to price your t-shirt for $25 if you want to make $10-$12 per shirt. Another big perk is that ModFund uses Bella+Canvas, which is comparable in both fit and quality to American Apparel (and SO much better than some of the other big name t-shirt brands that most t-shirt campaign sites use).<br />
Here is an example of a current adoption fundraising campaign using <a href="http://www.modfund.com/product/tygeradoption/" target="_blank">Modfund</a>: http://www.modfund.com/product/tygeradoption/ <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.modfund.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Tyger-Shirt-600x600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.modfund.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Tyger-Shirt-600x600.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
The Tygers are currently in their homestudy process, which is a great time to start fundraising. Since nearly all grant programs require you to have an approved homestudy before applying for funds, but also want to see that you have done some fundraising yourself, starting early allows you to tap into as many sources of funding as possible. Their adoption journey is going to be quite different than ours, as they are seeking to adopt through a special needs program in China. They are also blogging through their adoption, and you can find their page <a href="http://www.fortheloveofone.com/" target="_blank">here</a>: http://www.fortheloveofone.com/. The story behind their shirt slogan is that <i style="background-color: white; color: #353535; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 10.4px; text-align: center;">We started this journey "for the love of one" of the millions of orphans in the world. </i>That is another one of the great things about Modfund's process-- even though they take charge of designing your shirt for you, they do welcome you to give them some ideas and preferences for anything from shirt color or ink color to specific words or phrases or graphics. I ordered my For the Love of One shirt this week, and when I receive it I will give you an update about the quality of ModFund's product. They print all of their shirts on Bella+Canvas, so I have no doubt that they will be great!<br />
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So, now that we are on the other side of our adoption, here is one of the big things I want to use this blog for: let's help each other out! If you have a fundraiser going on somewhere, whether it is an Etsy shop or another t-shirt fundraising site or you start a ModFund fundraiser, post about it in the comments or use the email box to the right to shoot me a message. I'm going to create a page of current fundraisers so that we can all share links and support each other's fund raising efforts. I love me a good t-shirt, so you'll probably be able to count on me for an order! :)<br />
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Happy Fundraising!Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-25597386540906048582016-05-05T15:14:00.000-07:002016-05-05T15:14:03.111-07:00OUR ADOPTION IS FINALIZED! One week ago yesterday, our adoption was finalized. The whole day was a whirlwind, and we weren't expecting to get to finalize that day, but our assigned judge got a cancellation on her docket. I'm not sure how helpful it will be for me to recount the process since every state (and every judge!) does things differently, but here we go:<br />
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<a name='more'></a> At 6:30 AM, my phone started ringing. Our lawyer, in a very excited voice, says "I sent you an email an hour ago! Have you not seen it yet?!" I groggily reminded him that there is a 3 hour time difference between him and us, building up dread for whatever paperwork scavenger hunt he was about to start me on. He apologized, told me to check my email, and then call him back.<br />
In his email, he relayed the series of events that morning: he had a hearing with the judge we had been assigned to for another custody case, found out that she had an opening on her docket that afternoon due to a reschedule, had another hearing scheduled with her for the slot right before the cancellation, and was going to ask her if we could have that slot (since he was already going to be there with her) if we could scramble to get everything finished up.<br />
None of the things that we needed to do were that significant, the biggest issue would be the logistical arrangements. That judge is very particular about verifying identities for conference calls. She accepts two options: 1) be with a notary and have the notary speak to the judge to verify who you are OR 2) Facetime (iPhones) you at the beginning of the phone call. Well, my husband was operating all day and wouldn't be able to leave the hospital to go to a notary, and we don't have iPhones. So, I spent a good amount of time giving a Viber orientation (an app that allows video chat between iPhone and Android) so that the judge would approve its use in place of Facetime. She approved the Viber call for hubby, but wanted me to be with a notary.<br />
About an hour before the cancellation slot, we found out that she was giving us the spot! Our lawyer said that he worded all of the questions so that we would just have to answer "yes." So, I loaded up both kids, drove to the bank. corralled them in to the poor notary's office, and waited for the conference call.<br />
The actual content of the phone call was pretty uneventful. The lawyer asked a series of questions, including:<br />
"Do you remember signing the document titled ______________."<br />
"Do you swear under oath that all of the information in that document was accurate?"<br />
(repeat the above two questions for a few different documents)<br />
"Our records show that your adoption fees totaled _______, and that of those fees, ________ were designated as helping with the biological mother's living expenses during her pregnancy. Are these numbers accurate?"<br />
"Do you understand that today's proceedings will make this adoption final, and you cannot change your mind or undue the court's ruling?"<br />
"Have you provided accurate and truthful information about yourselves throughout this adoption process?"<br />
"As a result of your post-placement visits, it was the evaluation of your social worker that it would be in the child's best interest to be allowed to remain with you and for this adoption to become final. Do you agree with this evaluation?"<br />
He then made a statement to the judge about being satisfied with the answers to our questions and having no objection to or concern about the finalization of the adoption. Then the judge made this formal sounding "I thus decree...." speech finalizing the adoption "permanently and irrevocably from this day forward."<br />
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And that was it. The entire phone call lasted for 5 minutes. The only logistical things left are to get Roo's new birth certificate and social security card. This isn't something that we are doing to try to erase her biological family (I have actually heard this criticism made); it is actually a part of the process that Roo's birth state requires. If an adoption is pending immediately following birth, a valid social security number isn't even assigned to the child. I'm not sure if a valid birth certificate was ever created, but if it was, we were never given it (or even offered it) by the hospital or the agency, because it is state policy that a new birth certificate will be issued following the finalization of the adoption. Our lawyer said that he would be in touch with information for us about how we go about these next steps-- I will update you when we begin working on that! Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-3148565070885607542016-04-17T19:51:00.001-07:002016-04-17T19:51:20.939-07:00Post-placements visits complete! It has been so long since I posted an update! There really hasn't been anything exciting. We had our 3 post-placement visits (one each month), which were completely, entirely uneventful. The social worker asked for updates from Roo's doctor appointments, general baby health and development questions, and basic questions about our adjustment and bonding. Now that our 3 visits have been completed and the post-placement report is done, the adoption attorney in Roo's birth state can petition for a court date for finalization.<div>
<a name='more'></a> We haven't needed to have much communication at all with the adoption attorney. In fact, I've only spoken to him twice in the nearly 4 months since Roo was born. The only thing that we needed for him that was unexpected was a timeline of every place where we have spent the night with Roo since we brought her home. We had to look up the addresses of the condos that we stayed at in her birth state and document which days we were at which ones, as well as report any family members that we spent the night with and their addresses. So, when you travel, make sure to keep note of the addresses and dates, because you may end up needing to report them! </div>
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That's really the only update that I have. We went through an absolute fiasco getting Roo's hospital bills paid (insurance, medicaid, blah blah blah), and there were a few extra steps to complete our taxes this year since she doesn't even have a valid social security number at this point. I'm planning on doing posts about each of those things a bit later. Life has been busy around here with two Littles, work, and hubby's fellowship interviews. But all is well, our hearts are full, and we are as happy as can be. </div>
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For those of you who are reading and commenting as you begin your adoption journeys, know that I am praying for you! I may not know you, but God does! </div>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-73549778453715443362016-02-26T14:04:00.000-08:002016-02-26T14:04:08.885-08:00Available Situation: Sibling Group UPDATEI am reposting this as there has been an update this week, and a family still has not been found for these kiddos. If you know someone who may be interested, PLEASE forward this along! I'm posting the update first, and the original posting below.<br />
<a name='more'></a>UPDATE 2/26: (copied with permission directly from an email I received this morning)<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a very strong chance the oldest (14 yo) may be
adopted by his aunt, consistent with his wishes. There is a strong desire that
the remaining four find placement together. Mediation is set for 3/3 and I have
been asked to attend mediation and present the intervention option to all
parties as an alternative to a trial and the State placing the children.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My goal is to have outlines of potential families that would
be interested in adopting the sibling group. No commitment to adopt will be
expected until full and complete disclosure of all issues. There is a chance
state subsidies would be available in Florida and possibly other states but
that is not a certainty.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you know of anyone who may be in a position to adopt this
sibling group, please have them contact me for more information.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mark R. Miller, Esquire</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ford, Miller & Wainer, P.A.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4028 Blanding Boulevard</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jacksonville, Florida 32210</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Landline: 904-390-1970</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cell/text: 904-477-6677</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fax: 904-354-9922</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Email/service: miller@fordmiller.com</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">J Boy – 14 yo</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Current Placement: Florida Sheriff’s Youth Ranch</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Very intelligent, “good kid all around”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>High academic performance – college prep classes</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Was thriving at school and home at his prior
placement with aunt and uncle</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Wants to return to his prior placement with aunt</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>No behavioral issues but may develop some if he
continues to be unhappy</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Potential future needs: Counseling</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">B Girl – 12 yo</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Current Placement: Florida Sheriff’s Youth Ranch</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Trauma therapy prior to move to Youth Ranch</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Establishing with a new therapist at Youth Ranch</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>2015 Baker Act</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Prior findings of being victim of sexual abuse</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>No history of acting out sexually</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Some anxiety issues</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Potential future needs:</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Counseling</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Routine dental care/intervention</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">K Girl – 5yo</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Current placement – foster care home</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Kindergarten</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Some acting out – recent referral for counseling</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Potential future needs:</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Counseling</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Routine dental care/intervention</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Medical exam for possible skin condition</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">A Girl – 11 yo</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Current Placement: Therapeutic foster home </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Recent diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes – daily
insulin injections</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Attachment/bonding issues </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>She does not get along well with others</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Temper tantrums, especially when things do not
go as she wants</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>2016 Baker Act</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Prior findings of being victim of sexual abuse </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>No history of sexually acting out</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Academic performance is very low; low reading
ability</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Potential future needs:</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Counseling</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Psycho-educational evaluation to determine
appropriate educational needs/services</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Monitoring of diabetes treatment</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Psychiatric care for depression/behavioral
issues</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>2016 Psychological report: “This is a long term
difficult situation that will take a lot of </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>patience.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Routine dental care/intervention</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Academic support – tutoring, etc.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">D Boy – 4yo</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Current Placement: Foster care home</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Notable speech delays</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Temper tantrums, confrontational, aggressive</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Acts much younger than his age, like a two year
old</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Requires constant direction throughout the day –
needs constant attention</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Fears animals</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>2015 ENT procedure</div>
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<br /></div>
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Potential future needs:</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Counseling</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Occupational therapy</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Speech therapy</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Neurology evaluation to rule out seizures</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Routine dental care/intervention</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Academic support</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Medical exam for possible skin condition</div>
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*It should be noted that it is very likely each of the
children were exposed to drugs in utero and any future issues stemming from
this exposure may have yet to be revealed.</div>
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*The children have been in out-of-home care about two years
and have experienced multiple placements, with one child having been in moved
at least eight times.</div>
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<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Original Posting</b></div>
I got an email this morning from one of the adoption lawyers I
follow, and he asked that this situation be shared so that the right
family can be found for these kids that will allow them to be together
again. I'm just going to copy and paste the email, as he has given
permission for public sharing. Just because the situation involves the
Florida foster care system does NOT mean that the adoptive parents need
to live in Florida. I don't have any involvement in this situation
whatsoever, so contact him directly with questions or interest. Also
feel free to share further!<br />
<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
Share with anyone in the adoption world. I am confident that the
right family is out there and these young children will get the home
and family they so richly deserve.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> I have been asked to help find a family to adopt a sibling group of <b>five brothers and sisters between the ages of 14 and 4</b>
who are currently in the legal custody of the State of Florida and in
three different placements. If this goes forward as currently
contemplated, a permanent adoptive home for all five will be found and
placement made as quickly as possible, ideally within 2 - 3 months.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
In Florida, this particular type of situation is called an
Intervention. This is where a adoption attorney or adoption agency, on
behalf of the prospective adoptive parents, petitions the Court to
intervene in the State case to "change" the placement from a State
placement to a private placement. As with anything, there are a number
of reasons that interventions are both favored and disfavored. Those who
support interventions cite the quickness of the process and the
benefits of a private adoption - the parents have a say in who adopts
and there can be, under the absolute right circumstances, some openness
going forward. Others say that interventions can ruin the chances of a
foster parent adopting the child that they have cared for for so long.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
From a pragmatic position, there is also the downside that many of
the State benefits that go with a State adoption (free health care,
education, counseling, etc.) do not transfer with the private adoption.
Anyone interested in this situation below needs to do their research on
interventions and explore the pros and cons. In a subsequent post, I may
ask the followers of this facebook page to opine on the subject.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
If you are interested in being considered to be placed with the
five children listed below for subsequent adoption AND have a home study
that provides (or can be modified in the next few days) for placement
of a sibling group of up to five children (ages 14 - 4), please email <a href="mailto:miller@fordmiller.com" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">miller@fordmiller.com</a> and the process will be outlined in more detail.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
Unfortunately, at this stage it is difficult to estimate how much
the legal fees and costs would be. As stated below, one father's rights
have already been terminated, so that is not going to be an issue. The
mother and the father of the other children would have to agree to the
intervention. All parties have attorneys and the children and attorney
ad ltiems and guardian at litems on their behalf. Assuming no
complications, I estimate the <b>legal fees and cost associated with the intervention and the adoption SHOULD fall between 7500 and 12,000</b>. It may be more and it may be less.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
Candidly, the term "assuming no complications" can be misleading.
It may give a false sense that there is a reasonable chance the fees
will land in the projected range. Unfortunately, when it comes to
adoptions and some interventions, complications can be more the rule
than the exception. For example, at this time, we are hearing that
everyone involved believes that the appropriate intervention placement
is in the best interests of the child. However, we have five children,
and three of them are teens or soon to be. We have relatives and others
involved in their lives that may not like the direction of the case. The
two parents may try to undo their consents. There are a lot of moving
parts, for sure. At this juncture, there is no indication that it won't
be a smooth process, but predicting the path of an adoption is not
unlike predicting the path of a hurricane. Probably a bad analogy but
the point is that the direction can change on a moment's notice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
I do not have any additional information on the children but am
actively seeking to get full reports. No one will be expected to go
forward on partial information.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> To begin the process, please email <a href="mailto:miller@fordmiller.com" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">miller@fordmiller.com</a> with your questions about the process.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">“<b>Andi” – Sibling Group – Intervention – Jacksonville, Florida</b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
Mother (“Andi”): 5’7 Caucasian. Born in 1984. A trial on the
State’s Petition to Terminate Parental Rights was set for February but
has now been delayed. Intervention is assumed to be a favored direction
by most, if not all, of the parties.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
Two Children with Father No. 1 (“Murphy”) – Caucasian – Born 1982 –
no additional information at this time. His parental rights have
already been terminated.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
1. “Joseph” is a 14 year old Caucasian teen age boy and will be 15
in April (born April 2001). He currently lives with his 11 year old
sister at their maternal aunt’s home. He and one of his younger sisters
were placed with his maternal aunt and uncle in October 2014. He has
stayed in that house since that time. The uncle has moved out due to
domestic violence issues with the aunt. Reports indicate he enjoys
living at his current home and is doing well at school. He likes to go
on hunting trips and enjoys being with his siblings. At this very
preliminary stage, there are no medical or mental health issues
indicated in the paperwork reviewed. It is important to note that the
paperwork reviewed is approximately 1% of what has been generated in the
last 14 months since he was “sheltered by the State of Florida. It is
believed he is approximately 5’8, with reddish brown hair with a slender
build, estimated weight 145. His ideal placement would be to stay at
this current placement. His current placement cannot accommodate a
sibling group of this size.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
2. “Bryn” is a 12 year old Caucasian teen age girl who will turn 13
in August (born 8/2003). She lives with her brother. She and her older
brother were placed with her maternal aunt and uncle in October 2014.
Since her placement in October 2014, she moved 5 times before returning
to her current placement. The placements were made at the request of
herself (once), the caregiver (three times) and by the State (once) due
to abuse allegations at the prior placement to the current placement.
She now lives with her brother and her maternal aunt (see above
paragraph 1). It is reported that she has suffered sexual abuse and
struggles with peer relationships. It is reported that she has the need
for continued counseling for her history of abuse and behavior concerns.
At this very preliminary stage, there are no medical or mental health
issues indicated in the paperwork reviewed other than what is stated
herein. It is important to note that the paperwork reviewed is
approximately 1% of what has been generated in the last 14 months since
she was “sheltered by the State of Florida. It is believed she is
approximately 5’4, with brown hair with a slender build, estimated
weight 120. Her ideal placement would be to be adopted or go back with
her mother. Her current placement cannot accommodate a sibling group of
this size and returning to her mother’s care is not a legal option.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
Three Children with Father No. 2 – Born in 1984. (“Datz, Sr.”)
Caucasian – 6’0. Slender and muscular build. Brown hair and brown eyes. A
trial on the State’s Petition to Terminate Parental Rights was set for
February but has now been delayed. Intervention is assumed to be a
favored direction by most, if not all, of the parties.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
1. “Athena” is an 11 year old Caucasian teen age girl who will turn
12 in October (born 10/2004). She is currently is a residential mental
health facility. She was removed from her parent’s “care” in October
2014 and has had ten different placements. The changes in placements
were made at “in accordance with the case plan” (6 times), twice at the
care giver’s request and once due to a hospitalization. She has very
poor dental health and was the victim of sexual abuse. It is reported
that she is able to make good peer relationships. Changed schools
recently – poor academics. Not reading at her grade level. May need a
tutor. A recent placement with grandparents was ended due to allegations
of neglect and sexual abuse by a neighbor. She has also recently
changed schools due to poor academic performance. After recent foster
care placement, she was hospitalized due to Type-1 diabetes. Requires
daily shots. Was having daily tantrums. Was asked to moved. Suffers from
depression. She is reportedly doing well now and, if asked, would
prefer to live with her maternal aunt. However, placement with maternal
aunt is not an option due to the number of siblings in this group that
are to be placed together. It is believed she is approximately 5’4, with
brown hair with a slender build, estimated weight 120. . At this very
preliminary stage, there are no medical or mental health issues
indicated in the paperwork reviewed other than what is stated herein. It
is important to note that the paperwork reviewed is approximately 1% of
what has been generated in the last 14 months since she was “sheltered
by the State of Florida.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
2. “Katie” is a 5 year old Caucasian girl who will turn six in
April (born April 2010). She is currently in a foster care placement.
She is in her 4th placement since October 2014, two moves were in
accordance with her case plan and two were at the request of the care
provider. There is some indication of allegation of an unknown nature
that led to one move. Very poor dental care (four teeth extracted due to
decay). She has light brown hair, slender build and average height. She
does well in day care and has appropriate relations with peers. She has
not expressed a specific desire for her future placement. At this very
preliminary stage, there are no medical or mental health issues
indicated in the paperwork reviewed other than what is stated herein. It
is important to note that the paperwork reviewed is approximately 1% of
what has been generated in the last 14 months since she was “sheltered
by the State of Florida.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">
3. “Datz, Jr.” is a four year old Caucasian boy who will turn 5 in
August (born August 2011). He is currently in a foster care placement.
He is in his 4th placement since October 2014, two moves were in
accordance with her case plan and two were at the request of the care
provider. There is a report of behavioral issues at a dentist’s office
and he has a history of pushing his peers. He has dark brown hair,
slender and average height. It appears he is not very verbal but does
interact well with his siblings. At this very preliminary stage, there
are no medical or mental health issues indicated in the paperwork
reviewed other than what is stated herein. It is important to note that
the paperwork reviewed is approximately 1% of what has been generated in
the last 14 months since he was “sheltered by the State of Florida.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">MRM<br /><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_626463654" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">1/29/16</span></span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<b>Mark R. Miller, Esquire</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<b>Ford, Miller & Wainer, P.A.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<b>4028 Blanding Boulevard</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<b>Jacksonville, Florida 32210</b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<b>Landline: <a href="tel:904-390-1970" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank" value="+19043901970">904-390-1970</a></b></div>
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<b>Cell/text: <a href="tel:904-477-6677" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank" value="+19044776677">904-477-6677</a></b></div>
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<b>Fax: <a href="tel:904-354-9922" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank" value="+19043549922">904-354-9922</a></b></div>
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<b>Email/service: <a href="mailto:miller@fordmiller.com" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">miller@fordmiller.com</a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1200342409994861&id=506108632751579 </span></span><br />
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-21713463418414898662016-02-09T14:10:00.004-08:002016-06-09T18:28:34.173-07:00Available Situation: Caucasian Baby due in August I am reposting this situation with permission from Betty with Little Bit of Heaven Adoptions. The biomom hasn't seen a profile that she feels is a good fit yet. If interested, please email <span class="il" style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;"><a href="mailto:merts1234@yahoo.com" style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;" target="_blank">merts1234@yahoo.com</a> </span><br />
<span class="il" style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span class="il" style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;"><br /></span>
<span class="il" style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;"> </span>The following is all of the information that I have:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Baby is due in August</li>
<li>Both parents are Caucasian</li>
<ul>
<li>Isn't sure who biodad is</li>
<li>He isn't in the picture</li>
</ul>
<li>Biomom has 3 other children that she isn't parenting</li>
<li>Gender is unknown</li>
<li>Would like a large family</li>
<li>Has had ultrasound to confirm pregnancy</li>
<li>Used meth early in pregnancy, but claims to have stopped </li>
<li>Wants semi-open adoption</li>
<li>Cost is $30,000 plus LBoH referral fee (not entirely sure what that number is)</li>
<li>She has viewed several profiles, but none of them are "clicking"</li>
</ul>
<div>
Please contact Betty ASAP if interested... she has been trying to match for a few weeks now. </div>
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Please note, I have no personal involvement in this situation. Posting this situation is in no way an endorsement of this particular agency. I am just passing on a message that I received through a list-serve in case anyone is interested! </div>
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Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-33606329453406484802016-01-29T12:34:00.001-08:002016-06-09T18:28:57.825-07:00Available situation- sibling group of 5 I got an email this morning from one of the adoption lawyers I follow, and he asked that this situation be shared so that the right family can be found for these kids that will allow them to be together again. I'm just going to copy and paste the email, as he has given permission for public sharing. Just because the situation involves the Florida foster care system does NOT mean that the adoptive parents need to live in Florida. I don't have any involvement in this situation whatsoever, so contact him directly with questions or interest. Also feel free to share further!<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Share with anyone in the adoption world. I am confident that the right family is out there and these young children will get the home and family they so richly deserve.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> I have been asked to help find a family to adopt a sibling group of <b>five brothers and sisters between the ages of 14 and 4</b> who are currently in the legal custody of the State of Florida and in three different placements. If this goes forward as currently contemplated, a permanent adoptive home for all five will be found and placement made as quickly as possible, ideally within 2 - 3 months.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> In Florida, this particular type of situation is called an Intervention. This is where a adoption attorney or adoption agency, on behalf of the prospective adoptive parents, petitions the Court to intervene in the State case to "change" the placement from a State placement to a private placement. As with anything, there are a number of reasons that interventions are both favored and disfavored. Those who support interventions cite the quickness of the process and the benefits of a private adoption - the parents have a say in who adopts and there can be, under the absolute right circumstances, some openness going forward. Others say that interventions can ruin the chances of a foster parent adopting the child that they have cared for for so long.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> From a pragmatic position, there is also the downside that many of the State benefits that go with a State adoption (free health care, education, counseling, etc.) do not transfer with the private adoption. Anyone interested in this situation below needs to do their research on interventions and explore the pros and cons. In a subsequent post, I may ask the followers of this facebook page to opine on the subject.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> If you are interested in being considered to be placed with the five children listed below for subsequent adoption AND have a home study that provides (or can be modified in the next few days) for placement of a sibling group of up to five children (ages 14 - 4), please email <a href="mailto:miller@fordmiller.com" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">miller@fordmiller.com</a> and the process will be outlined in more detail.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Unfortunately, at this stage it is difficult to estimate how much the legal fees and costs would be. As stated below, one father's rights have already been terminated, so that is not going to be an issue. The mother and the father of the other children would have to agree to the intervention. All parties have attorneys and the children and attorney ad ltiems and guardian at litems on their behalf. Assuming no complications, I estimate the <b>legal fees and cost associated with the intervention and the adoption SHOULD fall between 7500 and 12,000</b>. It may be more and it may be less.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Candidly, the term "assuming no complications" can be misleading. It may give a false sense that there is a reasonable chance the fees will land in the projected range. Unfortunately, when it comes to adoptions and some interventions, complications can be more the rule than the exception. For example, at this time, we are hearing that everyone involved believes that the appropriate intervention placement is in the best interests of the child. However, we have five children, and three of them are teens or soon to be. We have relatives and others involved in their lives that may not like the direction of the case. The two parents may try to undo their consents. There are a lot of moving parts, for sure. At this juncture, there is no indication that it won't be a smooth process, but predicting the path of an adoption is not unlike predicting the path of a hurricane. Probably a bad analogy but the point is that the direction can change on a moment's notice.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> I do not have any additional information on the children but am actively seeking to get full reports. No one will be expected to go forward on partial information.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> To begin the process, please email <a href="mailto:miller@fordmiller.com" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">miller@fordmiller.com</a> with your questions about the process.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">“<b>Andi” – Sibling Group – Intervention – Jacksonville, Florida<u></u><u></u></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Mother (“Andi”): 5’7 Caucasian. Born in 1984. A trial on the State’s Petition to Terminate Parental Rights was set for February but has now been delayed. Intervention is assumed to be a favored direction by most, if not all, of the parties.<u></u><u></u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Two Children with Father No. 1 (“Murphy”) – Caucasian – Born 1982 – no additional information at this time. His parental rights have already been terminated.<u></u><u></u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> 1. “Joseph” is a 14 year old Caucasian teen age boy and will be 15 in April (born April 2001). He currently lives with his 11 year old sister at their maternal aunt’s home. He and one of his younger sisters were placed with his maternal aunt and uncle in October 2014. He has stayed in that house since that time. The uncle has moved out due to domestic violence issues with the aunt. Reports indicate he enjoys living at his current home and is doing well at school. He likes to go on hunting trips and enjoys being with his siblings. At this very preliminary stage, there are no medical or mental health issues indicated in the paperwork reviewed. It is important to note that the paperwork reviewed is approximately 1% of what has been generated in the last 14 months since he was “sheltered by the State of Florida. It is believed he is approximately 5’8, with reddish brown hair with a slender build, estimated weight 145. His ideal placement would be to stay at this current placement. His current placement cannot accommodate a sibling group of this size.<u></u><u></u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> 2. “Bryn” is a 12 year old Caucasian teen age girl who will turn 13 in August (born 8/2003). She lives with her brother. She and her older brother were placed with her maternal aunt and uncle in October 2014. Since her placement in October 2014, she moved 5 times before returning to her current placement. The placements were made at the request of herself (once), the caregiver (three times) and by the State (once) due to abuse allegations at the prior placement to the current placement. She now lives with her brother and her maternal aunt (see above paragraph 1). It is reported that she has suffered sexual abuse and struggles with peer relationships. It is reported that she has the need for continued counseling for her history of abuse and behavior concerns. At this very preliminary stage, there are no medical or mental health issues indicated in the paperwork reviewed other than what is stated herein. It is important to note that the paperwork reviewed is approximately 1% of what has been generated in the last 14 months since she was “sheltered by the State of Florida. It is believed she is approximately 5’4, with brown hair with a slender build, estimated weight 120. Her ideal placement would be to be adopted or go back with her mother. Her current placement cannot accommodate a sibling group of this size and returning to her mother’s care is not a legal option.<u></u><u></u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Three Children with Father No. 2 – Born in 1984. (“Datz, Sr.”) Caucasian – 6’0. Slender and muscular build. Brown hair and brown eyes. A trial on the State’s Petition to Terminate Parental Rights was set for February but has now been delayed. Intervention is assumed to be a favored direction by most, if not all, of the parties.<u></u><u></u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> 1. “Athena” is an 11 year old Caucasian teen age girl who will turn 12 in October (born 10/2004). She is currently is a residential mental health facility. She was removed from her parent’s “care” in October 2014 and has had ten different placements. The changes in placements were made at “in accordance with the case plan” (6 times), twice at the care giver’s request and once due to a hospitalization. She has very poor dental health and was the victim of sexual abuse. It is reported that she is able to make good peer relationships. Changed schools recently – poor academics. Not reading at her grade level. May need a tutor. A recent placement with grandparents was ended due to allegations of neglect and sexual abuse by a neighbor. She has also recently changed schools due to poor academic performance. After recent foster care placement, she was hospitalized due to Type-1 diabetes. Requires daily shots. Was having daily tantrums. Was asked to moved. Suffers from depression. She is reportedly doing well now and, if asked, would prefer to live with her maternal aunt. However, placement with maternal aunt is not an option due to the number of siblings in this group that are to be placed together. It is believed she is approximately 5’4, with brown hair with a slender build, estimated weight 120. . At this very preliminary stage, there are no medical or mental health issues indicated in the paperwork reviewed other than what is stated herein. It is important to note that the paperwork reviewed is approximately 1% of what has been generated in the last 14 months since she was “sheltered by the State of Florida.<u></u><u></u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> 2. “Katie” is a 5 year old Caucasian girl who will turn six in April (born April 2010). She is currently in a foster care placement. She is in her 4th placement since October 2014, two moves were in accordance with her case plan and two were at the request of the care provider. There is some indication of allegation of an unknown nature that led to one move. Very poor dental care (four teeth extracted due to decay). She has light brown hair, slender build and average height. She does well in day care and has appropriate relations with peers. She has not expressed a specific desire for her future placement. At this very preliminary stage, there are no medical or mental health issues indicated in the paperwork reviewed other than what is stated herein. It is important to note that the paperwork reviewed is approximately 1% of what has been generated in the last 14 months since she was “sheltered by the State of Florida.<u></u><u></u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> 3. “Datz, Jr.” is a four year old Caucasian boy who will turn 5 in August (born August 2011). He is currently in a foster care placement. He is in his 4th placement since October 2014, two moves were in accordance with her case plan and two were at the request of the care provider. There is a report of behavioral issues at a dentist’s office and he has a history of pushing his peers. He has dark brown hair, slender and average height. It appears he is not very verbal but does interact well with his siblings. At this very preliminary stage, there are no medical or mental health issues indicated in the paperwork reviewed other than what is stated herein. It is important to note that the paperwork reviewed is approximately 1% of what has been generated in the last 14 months since he was “sheltered by the State of Florida.<u></u><u></u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">MRM<br /><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_626463654" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">1/29/16</span></span></span><u></u><u></u></b></div>
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<b>Mark R. Miller, Esquire<u></u><u></u></b></div>
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<b>Ford, Miller & Wainer, P.A.<u></u><u></u></b></div>
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<b>4028 Blanding Boulevard<u></u><u></u></b></div>
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<b>Jacksonville, Florida 32210<u></u><u></u></b></div>
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<b>Landline: <a href="tel:904-390-1970" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank" value="+19043901970">904-390-1970</a><u></u><u></u></b></div>
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<b>Cell/text: <a href="tel:904-477-6677" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank" value="+19044776677">904-477-6677</a><u></u><u></u></b></div>
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<b>Fax: <a href="tel:904-354-9922" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank" value="+19043549922">904-354-9922</a><u></u><u></u></b></div>
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<b>Email/service: <a href="mailto:miller@fordmiller.com" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">miller@fordmiller.com</a></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1200342409994861&id=506108632751579 </span></span></div>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-85659529324228109322016-01-27T20:01:00.002-08:002016-01-27T20:01:44.364-08:00Post Placement Visit 1 About an hour ago, our social worker left from our 1st post placement visit. Like the earlier homestudy process, the post placement process will vary by state. This variation will include both the number of post placement visits required for finalization and their content. Our social worker actually had a print-out with her since Roo's birth state (which will also be the state of finalization) has a specific list of questions that they want asked, and these questions are different than the standard questions of our home state.<br />
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<a name='more'></a> So first things first. Our ICPC contract states that there must be at least 3 post placement visits, one each month. Finalization in Roo's birth state normally takes 4-6 months. If the finalization goes to the 6th month mark, there needs to be an extra 6 month post placement visit. Each post placement visit costs $250, so the 3 together added another $750 to our total adoption expenses. Our social worker said that the ones that go to 6 months, in her experience, usually involve a biodad who has not signed. These would be cases such as unknown paternity, rape, unwillingness to sign, inability to locate him, etc. Since Ben signed all of his paperwork and there are no complicating legal situations, she anticipates ours to be more towards the 4 month side.<br />
The questions in the post placement visit were very straightforward, and there was no inspection component. She wanted a recap of the 1 month well child pediatrician visit , including length. weight, developmental milestones, and any health concerns. Then we talked about day to day routine (how much she eats, how much she sleeps, where and when she sleeps, am I still planning to be home with her) and adjustment (how has our son has reacted to her, is she recognizing our voices, has she bonded with us and us to her). Then there were some personal questions that I really wasn't expecting. How has a second child changed your marriage? (Apparently "It hasn't" is not an acceptable answer) Describe differences in the emotions and bonding that you feel towards her in comparison to your biological child (um, none?). Do you think you will adopt again and why or why not?<br />
That was pretty much it. But again, I got the impression that each state differs greatly about what goes into a post placement visit, so this may not actually be a very helpful update! :)Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-12996679755212401072016-01-27T11:20:00.001-08:002016-01-27T11:20:28.736-08:00The joys of genetic variation You don't see many lighthearted things related to adoption, so here is one: sometimes, having a child who does not share your genes is awesome. Researchers have found that sleeping through the night is largely genetic. In other words, good sleepers are born, not made. Our son woke up every 3-4 hours until right around his first birthday-- something that my mother has said that I did, as well. Apparently, he got the "it's okay, no one around here needs to sleep" gene from me! When we began planning for another baby, I was prepared for another year of exhaustion. Baby Girl (who I have decided to call Roo on the blog because of her love of being worn around in my Kangaroo carrier*) is a month old today and, for the past week or so, has gotten in a routine of only waking up one time between her 8pm bedtime and 5am. It is glorious. She has "I like to sleep genes." Lord knows she wouldn't have gotten those from our gene pool.<br />
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* I have this <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00R6XEQR2/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00R6XEQR2&linkCode=as2&tag=whethestogetc-20&linkId=OQ5XUE2T2JFX64EA" rel="nofollow">LILLEbaby</a><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=whethestogetc-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00R6XEQR2" height="1" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" /> babywearing carrier and LOVE it! We used it with our son for about a year (even went hiking with it!) and now are using it again with Roo. They hold up well in the wash and aren't as hot as the Ergo's, plus they are super comfortable with the extra padding on the back supports.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-72791009787780982732016-01-22T15:43:00.000-08:002016-01-22T15:43:05.480-08:00Where to find available unmatched situations Hi all! Baby girl is almost 4 weeks old, and all is well. She is happy and healthy and loved. We have our first post placement visit next week, which I will write an update about after it happens. I'm starting to go through and delete all of my copious adoption-related notes from my computer, so I'll be sharing some random things here and there as I find information that I saved that others might find helpful. Today, I'm going to share some links to pages that post available, unmatched situations that anyone who is homestudy ready can apply for. Sometimes, agencies have expectant mothers who cannot be well matched with any PAP who is signed with that agency. When this happens, they often post the situation as an "available situation" or "unmatched situation" on webpage so that other PAPs are able to see the profile and apply. All of the links that I am going to post do not require a fee to see the page, nor do they require a fee to inquire about a situation, nor do they require you to become a client of the agency to submit your profile for consideration. This is an important point because many agencies maintain an "available situations" page, but if you write or call to inquire about one of the situations posted, they will not give you any information or allow you to submit profile unless you first sign with them. We actually matched with Anne through one of these pages rather than through our own agency.<br />
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<a name='more'></a> I am not in any way endorsing or supporting the quality or ethics of any of the agencies/offices whose links I am posting here. These are just the webpages that I found to be helpful in keeping an eye on available situations. To be honest, many of the agencies/facilitators/consultants linked to here have some questionable reviews. Please do your own research to make sure you are comfortable with an agency's process and ethics before applying.<br />
1. <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Mark-R-Miller-Esquire-Adoption-Attorney-506108632751579/" target="_blank">Mark Miller</a>- Mark is unique in that he only uses his FB page and list-serve in matching. He posts all of his situations on his page, and you pay for each situation you would like to apply for. He maintains his own application template and does not allow you to send in profiles. We actually applied to one situation through Mark, and had a great experience with that. He answers emails quickly and provides lots of details about every situation. He also seems to prioritize making sure every adoption is handled ethically. <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Mark-R-Miller-Esquire-Adoption-Attorney-506108632751579/">https://www.facebook.com/Mark-R-Miller-Esquire-Adoption-Attorney-506108632751579/</a><br />
2. <a href="http://www.heavensentadopt.com/blog/" target="_blank">Heaven Sent Adoptions-</a> http://www.heavensentadopt.com/blog/<br />
3. <a href="http://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/adopt_avail_entry" target="_blank">American Adoptions</a>- <a href="http://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/adopt_avail_entry">http://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/adopt_avail_entry</a><br />
4. <a href="http://adopt-now.com/babiesneedhomes.htm" target="_blank">Nancy Hurwitz Kors Facilitation Service</a>- http://adopt-now.com/babiesneedhomes.htm She also posts on her <a href="https://www.facebook.com/adoptnow/" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> https://www.facebook.com/adoptnow/<br />
5. <a href="http://handstohold.com/newhandssituations.htm" target="_blank">Hands to Hold</a>- http://handstohold.com/newhandssituations.htm They also maintain a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/919954214735226/" target="_blank">Facebook group</a> where they post updates https://www.facebook.com/groups/919954214735226/<br />
6. <a href="http://hotline.abcadoptions.com/" target="_blank">ABC Adoption Hotlin</a>e- http://hotline.abcadoptions.com/ <br />
7. <a href="http://www.onetruegift.com/adoption-situations/" target="_blank">One True Gift</a>- http://www.onetruegift.com/adoption-situations/ <br />
8. <a href="http://www.adoptlink.com/domestic_grid.htm" target="_blank">AdoptLink-</a> http://www.adoptlink.com/domestic_grid.htm<br />
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-29149383906673941342016-01-04T16:00:00.001-08:002016-01-04T16:00:10.309-08:00ICPC ICPC (or the Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children) is one of the most unpredictable parts of the legal half of the adoption process in terms of trying to make a timeline and figure out logistical plans. In a nutshell, ICPC is the process that supervises placing a child born in one state into the care of parents who plan to transport that child to another state, given that each state is given quite a bit of freedom in developing their own adoption laws and protocols. As adoptive parents, you cannot legally leave the state that the child was born in until you have received ICPC clearance.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a> The length of ICPC varies greatly by state. The state that Baby Girl was born in has a notoriously slow ICPC reputation, usually taking a minimum of 2 weeks before the adoptive parents are given clearance to leave the state. In the past few months, this has been backed up even further, and we were told to expect 15-18 business days (3-4 weeks given that we are around the holidays). We were advised to basically plan on spending the entire month of January in the state of birth. Plans were made, condos were reserved (we have some very generous people in our lives!), and we got here with the intention of settling in for a month.<br />
And then history was made. For the first time in the record of interstate adoptions in this state, ICPC was processed in less than 24 hours. Anne signed her paperwork Tuesday at 10, we signed our paperwork Tuesday at 11, and the paperwork was registered with the state for preliminary ICPC approval by Wednesday morning. I say "preliminary" because 99% of the time, this state will not give a full ICPC approval until the baby is discharged from the hospital. At about 7 in the evening on Wednesday, I received a phone call that our ICPC was approved and we were free to leave as soon as Baby Girl was released from the hospital. In shock, I emailed both our caseworker and Anne's caseworker, certain that there must have been a mistake. Anne's caseworker called someone (I'm unclear who exactly the Powers That Be are in this situation) and had them visually confirm that the paperwork was actually done while she was on the phone, just to make sure that it wasn't an error or incorrect entry in the computer system. Sure enough, it was done. Her only guess was that we got lucky enough to be assigned to two judges (the one in this state and the one in our home state) who both wanted to have their dockets cleared by the end of the year (December 31st was Thursday) and had scrambled to get caught up and keep everything pushed through to start January 1st with a clean slate.<br />
Everyone is kind of in shock, but we are happy that we will be able to head home this week. The reason that we didn't leave right away is that Baby Girl's doctor in the hospital wanted her to be seen one more time on Monday morning after releasing her Friday afternoon. Since the risk window for opiod withdrawal isn't truly over until 2 weeks after birth, he wanted a pretty quick follow-up to verify that she really was okay being sent home after the 5 day observation period. We were given a clean bill of health this morning (thank you, Lord!), complete with a confirmation that she is healthy enough to travel.<br />
And thus concludes our quick and painless experience with ICPC! :)Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-2833508926151100862016-01-03T17:26:00.000-08:002016-01-04T15:00:54.737-08:00Newborn Withdrawal (NAS- Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome) Trying to research NAS was one of the most nerve-wracking things of the last weeks of Anne's pregnancy. Would Baby Girl go through withdrawal? How bad would it be? Would she have to go to the NICU? Would she suffer?<br />
I learned this week in the hospital that the reason there is no concrete information available about NAS is that it is totally unpredictable. The doctors told me that they have seen multiple instances of two women with the exact same medication/substance use profile, and one of their babies has absolutely no withdrawal symptoms but the other one will end up in the NICU for 3 weeks. They have seen women on extremely high doses of methadone give birth to a babies who end up with a couple of mild symptoms, while some women on doses of opiate pain relievers considered to be safe for pregnancy watch their babies suffer from serious withdrawal for days or weeks. Even in Anne's case, there were some doctors and nurses who looked at her chart and said "I wouldn't be worried about that baby" while others said "You should prepare yourself for the baby needing step-down therapy in the NICU." So, first and foremost, no one is going to be able to give you a prediction about if the baby you are hoping to adopt will go through withdrawal and if so, how bad it will be.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a> Every substance has a different withdrawal profile, but there are some NAS symptoms that are pretty common. The only variation of NAS that I have become familiar with from this past week is opiate withdrawal. Anne had to continue her painkillers during her pregnancy, which were opiate based. Depending on her pain level on a specific day, she would take either hydrocodone or oxycodone. I'm not entirely sure how opiate withdrawal specifically differs from some of the other drugs, but I do know that the most serious concern of opiate withdrawal is seizures. The other specific that I learned about opiate withdrawal is that it tends to peak on day 3 or 4. If a baby gets through day 3-4 without any serious symptoms, chances are good that the withdrawal will remain manageable. If things are starting to get serious at day 2, chances are good that they will get worse on day 3 or 4.<br />
<br />
Here are the most commonly seen symptoms in NAS/newborn withdrawal:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Excessive or continuous crying</li>
<li>Not sleeping</li>
<li>Hyperactive moro reflex</li>
<ul>
<li>The moro reflex is the startle reflex involving the arms</li>
</ul>
<li>Tremors or trembling</li>
<li>Twitching or jerking</li>
<li>Convulsions</li>
<li>Increased muscle tone/rigidity</li>
<li>Rashes (usually labeled "excoriation") </li>
<ul>
<li>Sometimes, rash is only considered a symptom if it is caused by constant rubbing. In other instances, a diaper rash or other form of skin rash can be a symptom. </li>
</ul>
<li>Fever</li>
<li>Frequent yawning</li>
<li>Frequent sneezing (withdrawal sneezing usually involves 3 or more in a row)</li>
<li>Skin mottling</li>
<li>Stuffy nose</li>
<li>Nasal flaring</li>
<li>Fast breathing</li>
<li>Excessive sucking (constant or near constant pacifier use)</li>
<li>Poor feeding</li>
<li>Spitting up or vomiting</li>
<li>Loose or watery stools </li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Obviously, some of these symptoms are more serious than others. Baby Girl was having occasional sneezing episodes, some muscle rigidity in her arms, and skin mottling. She had some diarrhea on day 1 after passing her myconium, which caused her to have a diaper rash. There was a bit of a disagreement among the nurses about whether or not that diaper rash should count as a withdrawal symptom. </div>
<div>
So, what will happen in the hospital is that every 4-6 hours, usually timed at an hour after a feeding, a nurse will come in and "score" the baby. This scoring involves using a system that converts these symptoms to a numerical value, based on their severity. These numbers are added up to create a score for that exam. When the doctor did rounds in the morning, he or she would examine the scores since the previous day, do their own exam, and make a decision about whether or not they agreed with the nurses' scoring. I'll talk about this more in a minute, as there were often some pretty serious disagreements between the doctor and nurses about the severity of Baby Girl's condition. </div>
<div>
There are a few variations of the scale used for NAS scoring, but <a href="http://www.lkpz.nl/docs/lkpz_pdf_1310485469.pdf" target="_blank">here is one</a> that is nearly identical to the one used by our hospital. The hospital will have a policy in place about what to do about elevated scores. Our hospital would call a NICU consult for 3 scores over an 8 in any 24 hour time period, or a single score over a 12. Any score over a 14 would automatically cause the baby to be transferred to the NICU. Once in the NICU, a decision would be made about step-down/weaning therapy. At our hospital, either morphine or methadone is used for withdrawal step-down therapy. They will determine the dosage based on the severity of symptoms, and then require a certain score or a certain length of time (such as 3 consecutive scores of 3 or less, or an entire day of scoring 3 or less) before stepping down to a lower dose. The amount of time that a baby would need to be in the NICU for the step-down therapy is totally unpredictable, but it is not uncommon for it to take 3-4 weeks. </div>
<div>
All of the nurses and doctors that we talked to agreed that holding (contact comfort) is very important for calming a baby going through NAS. In fact, Baby Girl's doctor at one point mentioned that he thought one of the reasons she did so well was because we held her nearly constantly while we were there-- skin to skin whenever possible. When we were there during the day, her scores would drop down to a 2-5, but when we would leave in the evening and she would be in the nursery, her scores would go up to 8-10. </div>
<div>
This is where the disagreements between the nurses and doctor came in. The nurses were wanting to score Baby Girl based on how she was doing in the nursery when we were not there (i.e., being left alone and not being held), whereas the doctor was wanting to evaluate how she was doing when she was calm and relaxed. The nurse would rate her as being irritable and inconsolable, and then the doctor would come in and she would be sound asleep after being snuggled. The nurse would score her as having "excessive sucking behaviors," whereas the doctor would say that she wasn't using her pacifier any more than a normal baby. She would spit up once and the nurse would score her for vomiting, but the doctor would argue that every baby spits up after eating occasionally, and her otherwise healthy eating schedule and behaviors caused him not to be concerned about an occasional spit-up. This went on for 5 days-- low scores during the day, high scores at night, being greeted with a warning that today would probably be the day she went to the NICU, a morning checkup with a doctor who promptly scolded the nurses for being a bit too fast and loose with the scoring criteria, and another day of low scores.<br />
As a side note, you will want to get some side-snap baby shirts if you are expecting NAS checkups in order to make baby's life easier! Each check involves underarm temperature, heart rate and respiration rate, and diaper area examinations. Having to undo a onesie or sleep and play every couple of hours (in addition to the diaper changes that you are already doing) creates for a very frustrated baby, especially if they aren't feeling well from withdrawal symptoms. We really wished we had thought to bring some of these with us so that they could just unsnap her shirt and have the bottom area accessible with just a diaper on. Here are a few options for those:<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00XXNTWKU/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00XXNTWKU&linkCode=as2&tag=whethestogetc-20&linkId=CKOFGESU72A5GDVK" rel="nofollow">Carter's White 5-Pack Side-Snap Baby T-Shirts</a><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=whethestogetc-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00XXNTWKU" height="1" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" />
</li>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0143CJGE6/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0143CJGE6&linkCode=as2&tag=whethestogetc-20&linkId=U2AWPOVT7IJGGGFX" rel="nofollow">Baby Boys' 4 Pack Side Snap Tees</a><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=whethestogetc-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B0143CJGE6" height="1" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" />
</li>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B011M3FXQO/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B011M3FXQO&linkCode=as2&tag=whethestogetc-20&linkId=QBWV426XWXFCYD2X" rel="nofollow">Baby Girls' 4 Pack Side Snap Tees</a><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=whethestogetc-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B011M3FXQO" height="1" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" />
</li>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007C2PV5I/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B007C2PV5I&linkCode=as2&tag=whethestogetc-20&linkId=4JVGN7DZTKNW3TXQ" rel="nofollow">Unisex-Baby Newborn 2 Pack Long Sleeve Side Snap Shirt with Mitten Cuffs</a><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=whethestogetc-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B007C2PV5I" height="1" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" />
</li>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0015434Z8/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0015434Z8&linkCode=as2&tag=whethestogetc-20&linkId=QO5TSBQUVB62LE7H" rel="nofollow">Organic Cotton Side Snap Baby Tee</a><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=whethestogetc-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B0015434Z8" height="1" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" /></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
So, thankfully, that was our only experience with NAS! We know that things could have been much worse, and we thank you all for praying with us for Baby Girl's health. </div>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-52625168691414202102016-01-02T20:11:00.000-08:002016-01-02T20:11:24.309-08:00Hospital Stay & Discharge Yesterday afternoon, we got to take Baby Girl home from the hospital. She ended up being there for 5 days, which is the minimum recommended for NAS (withdrawal) monitoring and observation. Since she never ended up needing to go to NICU, we were able to leave after this minimum monitoring period. She did have some NAS symptoms, though-- I'll write more about that later. But for now, I'm going to summary what our hospital experience over the past 5 days was like.<br />
<a name='more'></a> To talk about our hospital stay, I should back up a bit and talk about what the delivery day was like. Anne had already established in her birth plan that she wanted me in the to be in the delivery room with her while the baby was born. She had also asked for either Ben or her mother to be in there with her, as well. It ended up that all 3 of us were there, which thankfully didn't go against any hospital policies. Many hospitals will only allow 1 or 2 support people to be present in the delivery room, so this is something to double-check when the birthplan is being made.<br />
Late in the evening, Anne called to let me know that she was in the early stages of labor, but they were going to give her Pitocin to make her progress more quickly. Her water had broken and her amniotic fluid was pretty much gone, and they were worried about the baby being in there dry (basically) for too long since her contractions were still pretty far apart and she was only dilated to a 3. She asked me to go ahead and come to the hospital since her doctors were predicting she would progress fairly quickly after the Pitocin started, and to also give me the chance to ask any questions that I may have of the doctors and nurses before she got to the end stages of labor.<br />
I ended up getting to the hospital shortly before 11 PM, and Baby Girl was born not long before 5 AM. During those 6 hours, I had the chance to have some good conversations with Anne's mom, whom I had only gotten to meet briefly prior to that evening. She had some questions about how exactly our open adoption was going to work, and reassured me that she was supportive of Anne's plan and truly felt like she was doing the right thing, even though there was some sadness to see her granddaughter go home with another family. Other than that, it was a pretty quiet evening. Anne's mom and Ben <i><b>really</b></i> don't like each other, so they both chose to just stay quiet rather than risking getting into a fight in the delivery room. Once Anne got her epidural, she was able to sleep through most of her labor until she woke up feeling like it was time to push. Anne's mom fell asleep in a rocking chair, I fell asleep on a couch, and Ben stayed awake playing games on his phone.<br />
Once they brought the delivery team in after Anne had said she felt like she needed to push (they checked her and verified she was fully dilated), Baby Girl was born in less than 10 minutes. I got to watch her be born, and was given permission by the nurses to follow them into the little baby-care alcove to watch her be cleaned up, Apgar scored, and get her initial vitals. Once Anne was stitched and cleaned up, she asked for the baby to be brought to her so that she could say hello and hold her for a minute. I stayed back on the other side of the room and took a few pictures (with her permission) for Baby Girl to have as part of her memory book. Anne, her mom, and Ben all took turns holding the baby (all of which I have photos of), and then she was given to me. When she was acting like she wanted to eat awhile later, Anne asked if we could share the first bottle-- I could start it and she could finish it. After we did this and she handed me back the baby, we had a brief exchange that set the tone for how the hospital stay would be: I told her how much I appreciated her allowing me to be in the delivery room, and she told me how much she appreciated me being comfortable with them having some time together as a family.<br />
<br />
And that was pretty much how things stayed for the next few days. My husband and I took primary care of the baby, and did the majority of her feeding, diaper changes, and comforting. A couple of times throughout the day, Anne or her mom would hold Baby Girl for a few minutes. The maternity ward was quiet enough that they gave me and my husband our own room to hang out in for the day on the day that she was born. We kept Baby Girl in the room with us (Anne was having quite a bit of pain at this point and wanted to try to get some sleep), and Anne would call over to us when she wanted us to come back in the room with her for us to all spend some time together.<br />
Until the TPR papers were signed at 48 hours, any medical decisions were legally Anne's call. She had the right to make any decision she wanted to when it came to blood tests, vaccinations, etc. She had told the doctors and nurses that she wanted everything to be up to me, so they would ask the question to her, she would turn and ask it to me, I would answer, and she would repeat my answer. There was only one nurse who seemed slightly awkward about the whole adoption thing, but for the most part I was amazed at how smoothly everything went.<br />
After Anne signed TPR at just over 48 hours, they began to prepare her for discharge. She went home later that afternoon, they cleaned out her room, and I was allowed to stay in the room for a couple of days since the baby still needed to be in the hospital for a minimum of 72 more hours. At that point, we were considered her legal guardians with complete power of attorney, so there was no problem with the doctors and nurses being allowed to communicate directly with us about her health and care.<br />
Since Baby Girl didn't have any NAS symptoms that were serious enough to warrant medical intervention, she was released yesterday after 5 full days of monitoring. There was a bit more paperwork involved than in a normal hospital discharge, mostly things related to the fact that the baby was being released into the care of someone other than the biological mother. I also had a short list of items that the adoption agency needed faxed over to finalize our ICPC clearance packet. Anne and her mom came back a couple of hours before Baby Girl's discharge to say goodbye (for now) and for us to have a last bit of time together. We all prayed together, hugged, and then parted ways.<br />
<br />
I honestly couldn't have imagined that everything would be as peaceful as it was. There was a sense of calm throughout the entire week, which you wouldn't think would be possible in such a situation. Anne never seemed to be in turmoil or distress, but confident that she was doing the right thing for her specific situation and her family. There was sadness at points, but it was a serene sadness. As we were parting ways, she told me that she would never doubt how much her daughter would be loved, and that she would always love us for giving her that.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-39506931638032478412015-12-29T21:37:00.001-08:002015-12-29T21:37:35.730-08:00TPR day In the early hours of this morning, Baby Girl turned 2 days old. With this came the 48 hour minimum that allowed Anne to sign her TPR papers. The 48 hour mark would have been at just after 4:00 a.m., and Anne's appointment was scheduled for 10 a.m.. Here's how everything happened.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a> At some point yesterday, Anne's TPR appointment was scheduled. This meeting required Anne to have 2 witnesses present, along with a social worker and notary. They also conference called in a lawyer. Both our social worker and Anne let us know that the meeting had been scheduled. Everyone went up to Anne's hospital room, and they had the meeting in there. Anne was in very good spirits and we texted back and forth quite a bit in the morning before it was time for her to do her paperwork. She was asking about how Baby Girl was doing that morning, as well as telling me about how she was doing and her plans for going home later today. A few minutes before her meeting was supposed to begin, she mentioned that she was really tired and asked if we could bring a coffee up to her room, so my husband went down to the hospital coffee shop and took her a latte while I fed Baby Girl her second breakfast (she loves to eat!).<br />
Shortly before 10, the social worker came into the nursery to introduce herself, let us know that she was about to go begin the meeting, and ask where she would be able to find us in about an hour. She explained that the TPR paperwork process normally takes about 45 minutes, depending on how many questions everyone may have.<br />
About an hour later, Anne texted us to let us know it was our turn for paperwork and that the social worker was headed our direction. We had about 8 different forms that we had to sign, and raise our right hands to swear that we had not misrepresented ourselves, our personal information, or our intentions to follow-through with adopting Baby Girl at any point during this process. And that was it. Should there be any legal proceedings for anything non-adoption related between then and now, we would technically be considered Baby Girl's guardians, but for all intents and purposes we are now her parents! We have the legal and practical authority to make any medical decisions or other significant things of that nature that should need to be dealt with between now and the finalization of the adoption.<br />
A couple of hours after the TPR process was done, Anne sent me a text message and asked if I would bring Baby Girl to her room for us to all spend some time together before she was discharged. We had a wonderful couple of hours together as a group-- we talked and laughed while exchanging funny family stories, and just had a great time with each other's company. It actually gave us a great deal of peace to see Anne in such good spirits, given the significance of what had just happened a couple of hours ago. She told us that she felt really good about everything, that she knew she had done the right thing, and that she loved us. She gave Baby Girl a kiss, and she and Ben got ready to leave. Since the baby will probably be in the hospital for a few more days, she asked if it would be okay if she came up tomorrow to bring a present that she had gotten for her. We said of course, and then they headed home. We heard them chatting about what they wanted to do for dinner as they headed down the hallway.<br />
At this point, the next steps are to wait for Baby Girl to be discharged from the hospital so that we can begin the ICPC process.<br />
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-47227537204154297102015-12-26T20:33:00.002-08:002015-12-26T20:33:49.987-08:00Delivery day! Anne is in labor! Baby girl should be here tonight!Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-11189392662121784582015-12-25T11:53:00.000-08:002015-12-25T16:23:46.113-08:00Research: Is it a good idea for the biomom to hold the baby? As I mentioned in my last update, we now have more information about Anne's birth plan. The basis of a birth plan is for the biomom to have an idea of how she wants everything to look at the hospital. Who will be in the delivery room? Who will be in the waiting room to come in after the baby is born? Will the baby be taken out of the room or stay in? Will the biomom see the baby? Hold the baby?<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
It is these last two questions that tend to make some people feel all prickly and uncomfortable. For years, the idea was that the healthiest thing at the hospital would be for the baby to be taken away as soon as he or she was born, and for the biomom to not see or hold the baby. In fact, many hospitals had policies that if a woman was placing her child for adoption, she would not be allowed to see the baby, even if she asked. Even though there is <b><i>very little</i></b> empirical research on this either way, the commonly accepted idea today is that this method is, in fact, incredibly unhealthy. One of the often quoted lines about this issue is "It is harder to say goodbye if you haven't said hello."<br />
In all of my searching, I only found one one webpage that claimed that a biomom spending time with the baby was related to her changing her mind. But, upon closer inspection, this was a webpage for a specific adoption consulting agency, and it was in the sense of (this isn't a direct quote, just the idea behind it) "If a birthmother (their word) spends time with the baby, this can put the adoption in jeopardy. That is why you should hire our agency, because we are aware of these risks and will have a counselor at the hospital to make sure everything is happening in a healthy way." So, this claim was being made as part of an advertisement, without citing any sources that would verify that a biomom spending time with the baby was related to her changing her mind.<br />
That being said, I really only found one research article that has information about this issue. It was in the <i>Social Work</i> journal and is a bit dated (1993), but from what I was able to find, nothing has ever been published that would contradict its findings. I went through the article database and checked all of the articles that have ever cited this article, and none of them were citing it with the purpose of arguing or refuting it.<br />
Here's the context of this study: there were 215 participants who were age 21 or younger and unmarried who were interviewed during their last trimester and then again at 6-8 months post-adoption. These young women were recruited for the study from 13 states. All 215 participants who were interviewed during their last trimester did end up placing their babies for adoption. The authors did not clarify if there were additional young women who had been recruited during their last trimester that ultimately decided to parent, but nothing in the write-up of the recruitment methods would indicate that this was the case. This study looked at several different things, but I am going to focus on the findings related to seeing and holding the baby.<br />
<br />
Some of the findings about how common it is for the biomom to see and hold the baby, and whether she regrets doing so, are as follows:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>96% of the biomoms saw the babies</li>
<li>98% of that group also held the babies</li>
<li>Those who chose not to see or hold the baby were not prevented by doing so based on any type of hospital policy-- all made the decision that they did not want to do so. The 5 young women who saw but didn't hold the baby stated that they could have held the baby if they had wanted to. </li>
<li>Most of these young women first saw and held the baby soon after birth</li>
<ul>
<li>36% saw the baby within the first few hours after birth, and 20% of them first held the baby at this time</li>
<li>As a side note to the above finding, our agency told us that the norm is for the biomom to hold the baby immediately after birth. It is kind of uncommon for her to choose to wait until later. </li>
<li>37% saw the baby within the first day or two after birth, but not necessarily within the first few hours (the author didn't specify what the cutoff was for being considered "a few hours" versus "within the first day"), and 51% of them first held the baby at this time</li>
<li>Only 8% waited until the baby was a week old </li>
</ul>
<li>Most biomoms saw and held the babies multiple times</li>
<ul>
<li>27% saw the baby only once</li>
<li>24% saw the baby 2-3 times</li>
<li>22% saw the baby 4-10 times</li>
<li>27% saw the baby more than 10 times</li>
<li>33% held the baby only once</li>
<li>22% held the baby 2-3 times</li>
<li>19% held the baby 4-10 times</li>
<li>26% held the baby more than 10 times </li>
</ul>
<li>Most biomoms were happy with the amount of time they chose to spend with the baby. </li>
<ul>
<li>70% said they would have wanted the same amount of time that they had</li>
<li>30% said they would have wanted more time</li>
<li>0% said they would have wanted less time</li>
<ul>
<li><b>This is really important. Not a single biomom who ended up placing the baby for adoption indicated that she wished that she hadn't held or seen the baby. Even the ones who did so 10 or more times. </b></li>
</ul>
<li>The small percentage of women who chose not to hold the baby were more likely to say that they wished they would have had more time with the baby.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
<div>
So what were the effects of the biomom holding the baby? </div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Spending more time with the baby had a positive correlation with a biomom's level of grief at post-placement interview</li>
<li>Shorter intervals between birth and the first time to see and hold the baby were associated with higher levels of grief</li>
</ul>
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At first glance, that seems negative, right? She is experiencing grief, and grief is an unpleasant emotion. But, the conclusion of the authors was that this was actually the more healthy option. Grief is a necessary part of coping, whether someone has died, a relationship has ended, or some other trauma has occurred. Those who actually experience grief over their loss/trauma have better long-term coping outcomes than those who take steps to mask their feelings. As someone who has done grief counseling, I 100% agree with this idea. One direct quote from the article is "It is important to stress that such feelings may be appropriate six months after the birth and perhaps are necessary for the future well-being of the birthmother. As others have noted, grieving and mourning are components of the relinquishment experience that, if denied or repressed, can cause severe dysfunctioning later in life. It is likely that seeing and holding the infant facilitates such a process." This is supported by the fact that <b><i>none</i></b> of the biomoms wished they had spent less time with the baby, even if they were going through grief at the post-placement follow-up. If they had said "I am grieving, and I wished I hadn't held the baby because that would have been easier," this research would have different implications. But again, no one said that. </div>
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There are also 3 pieces of anecdotal evidence that I would like to include here. The first is a write-up done by a social worker who has been working with biomoms in adoption situations for 18 years. The link to <a href="https://www.quora.com/How-does-it-feel-when-a-woman-who-is-giving-her-child-up-for-adoption-sees-the-baby" target="_blank">her brief statement is here</a>. First, she said that it is recommended that all biomoms see and hold the baby. This is consistent with what our agency told us when I asked if I should be concerned or if it is a red-flag about Anne's desire to see and hold baby girl (I'll talk about this more later). Second, she pointed out that almost all "prospective birthmothers" reconsider their decision after the baby is born, regardless of whether or not they even see the baby. She explains that this is a natural process of making the adoption decision. I read one time that a woman makes her adoption decision 3 times: while pregnant, after giving birth, and with the pen in her hand before signing papers. Of course it is going to be normal for her to think "do I really want to do this?" while she is sitting there staring at the document that legally declares that she will not be parenting the baby that she has carried and given birth to. Apparently, seeing and holding the baby doesn't really impact the intensity of that internal debate (according to this anecdotal evidence-- again, I am not aware of any empirical study to verify this). However, in support of the study referenced above, this social worker states that her agency has found that none of their biomoms have "ever regretting seeing or holding their babies." Finally, she ends on an excellent point that I had never really thought of: the act of seeing and/or holding the baby "does not change the reasons that brought a mother to considering adoption for her child in the first place." Sure, there may be a surge of emotion, but underneath those emotions are still the facts of her situation. Feeling love and desire for the tiny baby she is holding does not change the fact that she has made the assessment that she is not in a position to be able to adequately provide for that baby to the extent that she would desire. </div>
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The second piece of anecdotal evidence was written by a biomom for an adoption blog. Here is <a href="http://www.adoptionassociates.net/im-pregnant/birth-mother-blogs/how-i-made-my-birth-plan" target="_blank">the link</a>. She talks about some of the things that she considered in making her birth plan, and came to the conclusion that she wanted to "focus on the memories I would need to hold on to, grieve, and place in a sacred place in my heart...I believed it contained the moments that would help me let go." This biomom did hold and see the baby, and made a statement that again supports the above article: "Having a say in how it played out helped me remain strong in my commitment. Looking back, <b>even as I grieve, I am at peace with my decision</b>." </div>
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The third piece of anecdotal evidence I wanted to talk about was what our agency told us. When we first matched with Anne, we were told to expect her to want to be pretty hands off at the hospital. Apparently, early on, she alluded to the possibility that she might not want to see or hold the baby, at least until she had signed the papers. So when we were on the phone with our caseworker a couple of days ago and found out that her birth plan involved seeing, holding, and spending time with the baby, I had an ignorant adoptive parent moment of worry: "Is this a bad thing? Does this mean she might be changing her mind? Is this healthy? Is this a red flag that she isn't serious about the adoption?" I think I spurted off all of these questions in one breath to our poor caseworker. Thankfully, our caseworker avoided making me feel like a terrible control freak/awful person for having this concern (even though in hindsight I do have to admit that I am very embarrassed that my gut reaction was to be worried about Anne wanting to say hello to and meet the little person that she has been carrying around for 9 months but will never get to take home with her). </div>
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Our caseworker reassured me that Anne wanting to spend time with the baby is not a red flag. She said it is actually the opposite. In their opinion, the women who do not want to see or hold the babies are operating from a place of avoidance and denial: I am going to have the baby, distract myself for a couple of days, sign the papers, and just move on. The ones who desire to "say hello" have a more realistic evaluation of what it is they are going to have to cope with. Like the blog post by the biomom that I referenced above, they are thinking through the memories they want to carry with them to help them cope with their decision. She also said that the fact that Anne wants to see and hold the baby with us in the room with her was a very good sign. If she was saying that she wanted us to leave so that she could have time alone seeing and holding and taking care of the baby, that would be more of a red flag (although this doesn't always mean the biomom is changing her mind by any means). She wants us to totally take care of the baby-- she doesn't want to do any care on any level-- and just wants to be in the room to see the baby in the way that a visitor would be. She wants to have the reassurance of seeing us bond with the baby and the baby bonding with us. Her reasoning for <b><i>why</i></b> she wants to spend time with the baby is more important than her desire for the actual action of spending time with the baby in evaluating if anything is a red flag of her reconsidering. The bottom line is that neither caseworker, people who are involved with adoption as their careers, is worried about any element of Anne's birth plan. If they are not seeing red flags anywhere, we are not going to be concerned, either. </div>
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Here is a final thing to think about: at the end of the day, an adoption agency is a business. They make money from adoptions, and getting PAPs as clients is how they stay in business. Statistics are important. No one wants to sign with an agency that says "60% of our biomom's change their minds and decide to parent." While an ethical agency will have a biomom's best interest at heart and will in no way push her towards an adoption decision that she is not certain about just to make money, it would be a stupid business move to intentionally encourage actions that would lead to a biomom changing her mind at the last minute in situations where adoption truly is the best/healthiest/least terrible option. If seeing and holding the baby caused the majority (or even a significant percentage) of biomoms to change their minds, you wouldn't find reputable agencies with strong statistics making statements like "We always encourage the biomom to hold the baby." </div>
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Cushman, L., Kalmuss, D., & Namerow, P.B. (1993). Placing an infant for adoption: The experiences of young birthmothers. <i>Social Work, 38, </i>264-272. </div>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-4342195397115552722015-12-25T08:44:00.000-08:002015-12-25T08:44:27.240-08:00Merry Christmas, updates, and more waiting Well, this is certainly a different Christmas than we have ever had before! Last week, Anne's body was indicating that she would probably go into labor soon-- she even went to the hospital at one point. Since she has decided as part of her birth plan that she would like for me to be in the delivery room with her (more on that later), I obviously want to make sure I am around when she goes into labor! We loaded up and headed to Anne's city so that we would be close by when the time comes for baby girl to be born.<br />
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We started our trip here as a group of 4: myself, my son, and my husband's parents. My husband does not have enough time off from work that he can just hang out down here with us, so he is constantly keeping up with the next available flight from home to here. When Anne goes into labor, he will hop on a plane and get here as soon as possible. Since Anne's plan wouldn't include him being in the delivery room (she just wouldn't be comfortable with a man that she doesn't know that well being in the room), he has a bit more time to get here. So, his parents came to keep us company, wait for the baby to be born, and stay with my son to give me some flexibility to be able to spend time with Anne. Especially with it being flu and rsv season, the hospital has some pretty strict policies about young children on the premises, so we were advised to bring childcare with us.<br />
But then we got here and things slowed down. Physically, Anne could still go into labor at any moment, but the signs that she is about to aren't as strong as they were last week. Everyone expected baby girl to be born before Christmas, but that didn't end up being the case. So, earlier this week my mom headed down here, and my husband's parents went back to their home for a few days to spend Christmas with the remainder of their family. We are waiting for my husband to be down here to truly celebrate Christmas (presents were brought here!), so this morning my mom and I had a couple of gifts for my son to open, and otherwise have just been having a quiet, relaxing morning. One of my son's gifts was a new Mickey Mouse movie (one that involves trains-- two of his favorite things together!) and he has been enthralled by that for the past few minutes.<br />
It has ended up working out well that we came down early. Anne and I have had some time to visit, and she invited me to come to one of her doctor appointments. I got to hear the heartbeat and see the ultrasound, which was just amazing. But, overall, we are still waiting! Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-91821968491587058832015-12-11T11:22:00.002-08:002015-12-11T11:22:26.273-08:00Waiting and waiting Nothing new to share! Anne has been consulting with a high-risk OB specialist, and this doctor doesn't think an early induction is necessary. She would still like to schedule an induction, just for the convenience of us having a date on the calendar to be there. Ben is out of the picture (a long, sad story, but probably for the best), and Anne does not want to be in the delivery room alone. She knows that the likelihood that I would be able to be in the delivery room with her without an induction date to work with is slim, so she is really trying to talk her doctors into giving her a date. She goes back early next week (she'll be almost 38 weeks at that point), so hopefully they will either set a date or let her know that she is showing signs that she will be going into labor soon. We've chatted a bit this week and she has actually felt pretty good, so I am very thankful for that.<br />
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-38728928479418198672015-11-28T20:53:00.004-08:002015-12-11T11:17:41.301-08:00The logistics of it all Obviously, Monday has come and gone. And unfortunately, I have no significant update to share. Induction was not discussed any further, so as far as I know, that is no longer an active consideration. Even though forcing a baby to be born before her (or his) due date is less than ideal, having an induction date on the calendar to work with would have made our lives much easier. Without that, the logistics of this last month become very complicated.<br />
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<a name='more'></a> Anne lives on the other side of the country from us. If we were to get into the car and drive to her, it would take about 3 days. There are no direct flights from our city to hers, so if we were to get a call that she was in labor any later than about 3:00 in the afternoon, it would take over 24 hours for us to be able to get to her. She only labored with her last child for 3-4 hours before giving birth, so there would simply be no possible way for us to make it to her in time for the baby to be born. But she wants me to be in the delivery room, and I (of course) would like to be in there.<br />
On top of that, her due date really is not in any way a reliable estimate of when she will go into labor. Her last baby was born about 2 1/2 weeks early. She has already gone into labor once, but they were able to stop it with medication. One of the medications she is on is strongly correlated with early delivery. Basically, we have no reason whatsoever to think that this baby will actually wait until the last week of December to be born.<br />
If Baby Girl was due at any time other than the week after Christmas, none of this would be a problem. Our hometown (where both of our families live) is only an 11-12 hour drive from Anne-- still not ideal, but better than where we live now. I have actually been staying with family for the past couple of weeks since my hubby had to work on Thanksgiving this year and there had been talk of induction. But we are kind of stuck when it comes to planning where to go from here. My husband has incredibly limited vacation time, so he can't just come up here and wait with me. If there wasn't our anniversary, our son's birthday, and Christmas between now and then, we would just suck it up and I would stay here with our son and we would miss each other and deal with it. At this point, the plan is for me to fly back to visit, but then return here (hometown, not current town) in two weeks to be closer to where we need to be when we get the call that Anne is in labor.<br />
But figuring out these logistics has been one of the most stressful parts of this whole process. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I wouldn't do another adoption if the bio-mom lived across the country, but I do think that we would take into consideration where she lived in relation to her due date and her birth plan. The best option would be if my son and I could just rent a place in the city where Anne lives so that I could be 10 minutes away for when she goes into labor, and my husband could join us as his time off allows (and then when Anne is in labor, of course). But then we would be apart for Christmas. And that would be expensive. So really, that is actually only a good plan on the very surface, but not when any of the details of reality are considered.<br />
So here we sit. I'm really hoping Anne does not go into labor during the 2 weeks I am back home with my husband. I'm really hoping I don't have to make a gamble about if I want to go back home for Christmas to be with him or stay close for when Anne goes into labor (even though I would be shocked if Baby Girl wasn't born by Christmas). And writing this out makes me realize how petty all of these concerns are. As long as she is healthy. As long as Anne makes a decision she is at peace with. As long as we all emerge from this situation better for it all. Anything else, all of the other noise and detail and stress, we can handle.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-82651713687076506112015-11-20T18:57:00.000-08:002016-01-03T17:27:16.153-08:00Update & prayer request These past few weeks have been filled with waiting, but that may be drawing to a close. Anne met with a specialist today to talk about setting an induction date. She has remained ill for her entire pregnancy, and things with her health are getting to the point that it would be safer for Baby Girl to be born early and have the risks associated with a 5 week (or less) prematurity than to have the risks of remaining in such a sick body for much longer.<br />
<a name='more'></a> I don't have an update about what the result of that appointment was, but I know that at one point a date late next week or sometime during the week after were being discussed. I also know that a thorough anatomical ultrasound was performed last week, and all of Baby Girl's organs are totally healthy and everything looks perfect (thank you, God!), but she is still very small due to Anne's persistent nausea and illness.<br />
The biggest prayer request on my heart right now is the risk of NAS (neonatal abstinence syndrome), or plainly speaking, withdrawal. Due to a couple of recent surgeries and ongoing health problems, Anne had no choice but to remain on an opiate-based pain killer throughout the duration of her pregnancy. She was able to go down in strength a bit, but there was simply no way that she could discontinue her medication completely. Unfortunately, the painkiller that she has been on (hydrocodone) does carry a moderate risk for withdrawal. Arrangements have been made for Baby Girl to be delivered at a hospital with a Level III NICU, so all of the resources will be in place if she does go through NAS and/or any of its complications. Obviously, we are praying that she does not!<br />
We are hoping that there will be a birth plan (including date!) in place by Monday so that we can begin making travel arrangements. For those of you who are praying for us, thank you. Truly. Genuinely. Thank you.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-83129568986341751502015-11-10T20:13:00.002-08:002015-11-10T20:14:04.310-08:00Unexpected expenses The reality of adoption is that it is unpredictable. Every situation is different. Every agency handles expenses differently. So, this post may not ever be helpful to anyone, but here is what is going on with us right now.<br />
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Remember a few weeks ago when I <a href="http://whenthestorkgetsconfused.blogspot.com/2015/09/prayer-requests.html" target="_blank">asked if you would please pray with u</a>s for Anne because she had developed a minor health concern that was causing her physical discomfort but wasn't really a risk to the pregnancy and wouldn't be dealt with until after she gave birth? Well, that changed. That "minor health concern" spiraled out of control. She developed a pretty serious infection as a result of the problem she was having, and immediate medical attention is needed. You know what goes along with serious infections and immediate medical attention? Price tags.<br />
I asked our agency if their quotes that they had given us had any wiggle room for these types of things-- an extra amount set aside for unexpected expenses. And, there is. But they are a bit finicky in how they handle that. If we use the unexpected expense part of our funds for this and another unexpected expense comes up due to complications during labor or something else closer to the time of birth, we would then be in a situation of trying to make up funds right at the end, which apparently can be very stressful for families. If, however, we go ahead and pay this expense now, leaving our unexpected expense fund intact, we still have those funds available should later complications arise. If that money is never needed, it will be refunded to us. Again, I'm sure every agency handles this differently, but this is the advice that we have received from ours.<br />
We are continuing to pray for her health, and of course the health of Baby Girl. We are specifically praying that this infection wasn't rampant in her body in a strong enough way for long enough that it had adverse effects on the baby's health. If you should think about it, we would be grateful if you would please pray with us in this.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-29068650769130355122015-11-09T19:51:00.000-08:002015-11-10T20:13:51.132-08:00How big of a part of my identity will this become? I've spent the better part of about 3 hours today reading through another adoptive family's blog and Facebook page out of sheer fascination by their story. Going through this process-- this strange, amazing, surreal process-- is somehow eased by reading the stories of others who have walked the same path before you. I know that is why this blog has gotten somewhat popular. It isn't because our story is particularly captivating in the big scheme of things. It isn't because I am an amazingly talented writer. It isn't because I have any clue what I am doing here! It is because this can feel like a lonely path. It is because when you keep getting invitations to baby showers and see baby bump pictures everywhere, it helps to know that there really are other people who are growing their family through adoption. The happy stories give you hope. The sad stories give you a reality check. The ongoing stories give you a feeling of companionship, which is wildly bizarre given that you will likely never be "companions" with that other family in real life.<br />
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As I was blog/Facebook stalking this other family, whose story is about two years down the road from where ours is, I was amazed by the opportunities that were opened up for this Amom by being totally honest and transparent during her adoption process. She has become a spokesperson for several adoption groups. She is an advocate for birthmother rights and ethical adoption. She has thousands upon thousands of followers who know her and her kids' names and stories. And that is the point that got me thinking about what my reflection on this adoption process will look like 3, 5, 10 years down the road. How significant will it be that Baby Girl joined our family through adoption? Can I be an advocate for ethical adoption while respecting her autonomy to decide for herself how important she wants "adopted" to be as one of her labels and identity?<br />
One of the reasons that Anne chose us was because she and I look alike. We would never be assumed to be sisters, but there are many similarities in our coloring, build, and facial features. She told me that she wanted Baby Girl to have the freedom to decide whether or not she wanted her friends and classmates to know that she was adopted. Someone who is very dear to her was adopted by a family member and always had that freedom, and that is her desire for her child. She never wanted her child to be in a position where she was forced to wear her adoption like a label, where someone would look at her and look at me and know that we obviously did not share genes. I want to respect that desire. If Baby Girl wants to be one of those children/teenagers that I mentioned in one of my research summaries who doesn't want to talk about the adoption often-- doesn't want it as one of her labels and doesn't want her social circle to know that part of her story-- I want to respect that desire. I've known two people who were adopted who did not share that part of their identity widely, and I've heard both make statements along the line that "I was lucky enough to be adopted by parents who look like me..."<br />
Please know that I am not criticizing transracial adoption. I do not think there is anything superior or right or better about the fact that our daughter will likely look as though we are genetically related. I'm just thinking out loud (er, on paper?) as I try to navigate all of the details about the specific situation we have entered into.<br />
To get back to the question I have been asking myself, how big a part of my identity will "I adopted a child" become? I would love to be more "out there": to be more active with social media, to be more transparent about who we are and what we do, to go to adoption conferences, to be one of the people who actively seeks to be involved in the world of adoption to advocate for ethical and considerate treatment of all members of the triad. But, if "adoptive mom" becomes one of my primary labels, if adoption-related activities become a big part of who I am and what I do, I feel like I take away some of my child's autonomy to decide for herself how important she wants the adoption to be to her identity.<br />
I was informally offered a job in the adoption world. Because of my background in Family Studies, my doctorate and the activities that were a part of my training for that degree, and now my personal experience in this realm, I was told by an agency that I would make a great adoption counselor and that they would love to have me if I was ever interested. I laughed with my husband about it, talked about how crazy it would be if this experience turned into a career shift, and went on. But the thought of "What would that look like? Wouldn't I love to do that?" has kept coming back. And yes, I do think that I would love to do that. But I don't think I would ever be comfortable having adoption as a large part of my identity unless I knew Baby Girl wanted it to be a large part of hers.<br />
I will never discourage her from embracing that part of her identity, but I also will not force it upon her. So I am cautious. I can't let this be one of my primary descriptors until I know she wants it as one of hers. And, if she never does, this will be a closed chapter of my life.<br />
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And, either way, I am at peace. Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-54297942775650942182015-10-21T15:37:00.001-07:002015-12-11T11:16:37.899-08:00Visit with Anne Last week we traveled to meet Anne and Ben, and it was a wonderful experience. Since we had previous phone conversations, we knew that we were comfortable talking to each other and had some foundation for what to talk about. There was some nervousness, which is understandable since there isn't any set social protocol for meeting the woman who is planning to entrust you with her child.<br />
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<a name='more'></a> Our original plan was to meet both Anne and Ben at a restaurant for breakfast, but she had asked us to call her when we got into town the night before just to verify that everything was still good to go. When I made this phone call, Anne informed me that her transportation for the next day had fallen through (she doesn't have her own car), and that Ben got called into work that day. She asked if we would be comfortable picking her up, which we were. When we got to her apartment she was waiting for us outside. We greeted and hugged and set off to breakfast... which turned into a short meal followed by about four and a half hours of conversation while sitting outside and enjoying a beautiful day.<br />
We let her take the lead on anything that would have been a sensitive area of conversation. She is a very open person, so this wasn't a challenge. If there was a lull in the conversation, she would say "I bet you want to know about...." and take off with a long, detailed story. We have talkativeness in common! There ended up being a good combination of casual, getting to know you chit-chat and serious conversations.<br />
She said that she was starting to get tired, and asked if we could take her back to her apartment so that she could take a nap. She said that she really wanted to do something else with us that day, and asked if we could maybe meet back up in a couple of hours. We took a route back to her apartment that drove us by the hospital where she is hoping to give birth so that we could get an idea of the part of town we will want stay in. When we got back together that evening, Ben was able to join her. That evening felt surprisingly normal. Almost unsettlingly normal. As we were having dinner and telling funny stories about our families, I realized that this really was no different from having dinner with any other couple for the first time. There wasn't awkwardness or discomfort or pressure; it just felt like getting to know new friends.<br />
As dinner was winding down, Anne said she needed to get some fresh air and asked if I would go sit outside with her for a minute while the guys continued their conversations about football and fishing. We had a pretty serious conversation (started by her) about making sure that we were on the same page with how we wanted the adoption to look and that we were both still comfortable with everything after getting to know each other. We are both at peace with the situation, and I think that we each sensed it but that we wanted to hear the other say so.<br />
The second day went about the same. We went to lunch, and Anne asked if we could go pick out some baby things together. She wanted the baby to have some things that would be from her, so we went shopping after lunch. After shopping, she invited us inside so that we could see her apartment and look at a few of her family photos. She gave us a head's up about when her next doctor appointments were, and asked if it would be okay if we called and texted each other directly from time to time rather than always needing to make appointments for phone calls through our agency. There was an emotional goodbye, and that was that.<br />
I'm really glad that we did an in-person visit. I honestly don't know what else to say beyond that. For our situation, I think it did a great deal to help build a relationship between us and Anne (and Ben). We were able to get quite a bit of things out on the table and have some intense conversations that could have been incredibly awkward over the phone without being able to see each others' body language and faces. I may summarize some of those conversations later, but I'm still sorting through everything to create a logical narrative in my head.<br />
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<i>For those who have adopted, are in the process of adopting, or have placed a child for adoption, did you meet the other party in person before the hospital? Was it beneficial, or did you regret taking that step? </i></div>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5258262485760542880.post-62572137208117906692015-10-13T13:11:00.000-07:002015-12-11T11:14:55.114-08:00Preparing to meet Anne Tomorrow we will be traveling across several states to spend a couple of days with Anne (and hopefully Ben, but that is still up in the air). Today, our case worker called to give us a head's up about what to expect and what some of the rules are. Before I summarize what she said, though, I want to point out that the format of how this is happening with us is very unique compared to the usual agency/lawyer policies. So, here are how meetings usually go:<br />
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<a name='more'></a> Option 1: Meet immediately after match. This is the option that I have seen most often in reviewing agency and lawyer policies. What generally happens is that when you apply for a situation, you be given a estimated timeline of when things will take place. An example would be: "Applications are due Wednesday and a family will be chosen Thursday or Friday. The potential adoptive parents will need to arrange to travel to (location of office) early the next week for a meeting with ________ at our office." After this meeting, the match is considered final if both the PAPs and the emom are on board. The meeting happens at the office (or at least with a case worker/counselor present).<br />
Option 2: Meet soon after match, but scheduled in advance. This is basically the same as option 1, except that the PAPs are given more time to make travel arrangements. For example: "Applications are due Wednesday, October 7th and a family will be chosen that Thursday or Friday. The potential adoptive parents will need to arrange travel to (location of office) sometime during the week of October 26th to meet with __________ at our office." If the meet date is more than a couple of weeks after the match date, there will often be a phone call in between if the emom wants a chance to speak with the PAPs before they meet.<br />
Option 3: Meet at the hospital. Many emoms do not want to meet the PAPs until they are at the hospital. In fact, this is what Anne had originally said that she wanted. In these cases, there will usually just be phone calls between the PAPs and the emom.<br />
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There are two reasons that our situation has ended up being unique: 1) Anne didn't think she wanted to meet us, but she changed her mind after our first phone call (which we were very excited about!), and 2) There is not a physical branch of the adoption agency that Anne is using in the town where she lives. There would have been the option for her counselor to meet with us at our first meeting to help supervise and moderate things, but since everyone is comfortable with the situation, this option was not really explored. It is my understanding that most agencies or lawyers want at least the first meeting to be monitored to help make sure the conversation goes smoothly and to make sure everyone is as comfortable as possible.<br />
At this point, the plan is for us to meet Anne for breakfast at a restaurant the first morning that we are in town. From there, we will make plans for the next couple of days depending on if Ben wants to join us, how Anne is feeling, and (let's just be honest) how comfortable everyone is with each other.<br />
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So, back to the phone call from our caseworker. There were two main goals to this phone call: first, to let us know some of the regulations of Anne's state when it comes to what we can and cannot do, and second, to give us some suggestions for what the PAPs and emoms sometimes do together during these meetings. Obviously, many of those regulations revolve around the monetary caps in place in Anne's state. Here are some of the things that we were told to keep in mind:<br />
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1) We are allowed to pay for any meals we have together (and that is what is recommended, obviously), as long as they are within reason. It is not advised to have 4 course meals at 5 star restaurants-- stick to something within the range of where you would usually go for a dinner with friends. <br />
2) Even though we can pay for meals we have <i>together</i>, we cannot take her grocery shopping. If she should mention not having enough money to buy groceries this week or take care of this or that (which our case worker doesn't think she will do-- she seems to be very conscientious of not wanting to look like she is taking advantage of us), we should pass that information along to her case worker rather than doing anything to intervene, ourselves.<br />
3) The monetary cap on gifts is high enough that it allows for reasonable "thinking of you" gestures. If we want to take her something or get her something while we are there (again, it can't fall under the umbrella of living expenses or bills), we won't run into any problems as long as we stick to the standard of a "reasonable" present.<br />
4) Save receipts, just in case. Our case worker said that she has never seen a judge ask to see receipts or a list of expenditures from a visit during the adoption process, but it is a part of that state's adoption laws that this information can be requested at the judge's discretion. There is a first time for everything, so it would be better to be prepared.<br />
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The suggestions that we were given for activities to do together were going to eat, taking a tour of the hospital, having her show us around town or significant places to her, and maybe going shopping for baby items. The last one is a bit tricky. The case worker said that for some emoms, it is nice for them to feel like they were able to pick out a couple of things for the baby, but for others, the idea of shopping for things for a baby they will not bring home is too difficult. I think we will probably just let Anne take the lead on that one, because I would be afraid that even asking if she wanted to go shopping for baby items might put her on the spot or make her uncomfortable.<br />
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Tomorrow will be a long day of traveling! Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988211773200305175noreply@blogger.com0