Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Day

     (Just a warning, this post is nothing more than my rambling thoughts)
     This is my second mother's day as a mom. My little guy is napping, my husband is planting some new succulents in our backyard that I picked out a couple of weeks ago (I'd rather have flowers in the ground where I can enjoy them long-term than ones that will be pretty on my table for a few days), and I have had a few moments of quiet to reflect on what mother's day will probably be like in the future.

      This morning, I sent mother's day messages to both my mom and my mother-in-law, and that got me thinking about the adoption and how our child will probably go through life sending mother's day messages for more than one person. At first this made me feel a bit sad, but then I compared it to the fact that my sending two messages didn't threaten my mom's motherhood. I can acknowledge two very important women in my life on mother's day, and it doesn't mean that I love my mom any less. I can be open about what a wonderful addition my mother-in-law has been to my life and how much I enjoy spending time with her, and it doesn't take away from the fact that my mom is still my mom. So why should it be an issue that my child would send a card (or, that we would send one on his or her behalf) to the biomom? It won't take away from my relationship with that child, nor will it undermine the specialness of that day to me. I had never really taken time to think about the mixed emotions that mothers day brings to those who have placed a child for adoption until reading this post on First Mother Forum. She talks about how meaningful it was when her daughter acknowledged her on mother's day, and includes this statement:
      "For any adoptees reading--if you are in touch with your mother who relinquished you, give her a call, send her a card (if there is still time) but pass by "birth mother" cards and find a regular one that suits you. Some of my daughter's best cards (other than the one above) were funny ones. Or use a blank card and write your own thoughts--that is likely to be the best of all. Hearing from you on this day, even if the message is a simple hello, thinking about you--will be a huge gift. Of course, there are flowers."
       I've been trying to sit with my thoughts and be totally honest for myself. Will it bother me to help my child pick out a mother's day card to send to his or her biomom? Will I feel like I am less of their mother as I put their little handprint onto the page in lieu of a signature when  they are too young to write, or help them sign the card as they are learning to write their name? I've been starting at these questions on my screen for about 5 minutes as I mentally walk through this day 3, 5, 10 years into the future, trying to identify what emotions I am feeling. I really think I can honestly say that this won't be a problem. It may feel weird the first couple of years (I am helping my child pick out a mother's day card for another person), but so will many of the relationship dynamics surrounding the adoption. I never want the child to see his or her biomom as this person who handed them over and then disappeared and is now a non-entity. She will always be a real person, an important person-- at least, as long as she wants to be. To deny that is ignorant and selfish, and if I give the impression that I am uncomfortable about the dynamics of the adoption, what message will that send to the child about their identity?
     So there is my ramble. What are everyone's thoughts on this?  I know that there are some adoptees who read this blog: did you send mother's day cards to your biomom? For other potential adoptive parents: is this something that you think you would be comfortable doing?

No comments:

Post a Comment